our steps...

This weekend as well as last, I've been in Käsmu stepping on stones my dad once stepped on years ago in his youth. It's been a bit of a spiritual journey as I reflect back on my life, as well as the journey my father once took from these shores.

Unfortunately my father is no longer here to share his experiences with me, however with each step, my mind's eye imagines his steps as he grew up here and stepped upon these same stones. With his friends, his brothers, and parents, how his life was so intertwined with this tranquil small village, only to be upset by the raviges of war.

I don't know much details about his journey from these shores to Finland, Sweden, and further abroad. All I really know is that he was my dad, and that his steps no matter how they were taken, has impacted lives, including with no doubt mine.

So it's a good place to reflect, even on these steps of mine, what impact, what legacy, they might leave behind...
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It's not always about learning

Met a good friend today who shared a moving personal story. I'm not going to tell you what he shared, but our discussion was about the losses in our lives and what we gain from them. Personally I tend to (or try to) believe pain and losses in our lives have a reason or purpose. We're supposed to learn something from them, that we can change our lives for the better.

Now I've learned alot from losses and pain in my life, especially where I have made mistakes or acted wrongly. But what about losses incured after doing what is right?? Standing for justice and justice is not served. And how can we really explain Job?

As I shared about my losses, I realised that some losses in my life were still unresolved. I could never find a logical reason, or couldn't figure out what I should learn from them. Pain that does not resolve sometimes seems cruel. Why would God allow it? Is there something I need to learn or do differently in my life?

My friend shared that in his experience of loss, there was nothing specific to learn. Nothing to change or do. In the midst of pain he just needed to be and allow God to fill that loss. Not sure if I fully comprehended what he was trying to express, but being and resting in God was all that was needed and fully sufficient to fill the deep void of loss.

After we parted company, I was reminded of a great old hymn "It is well with my soul" written by Horatio Spaffold. There's an incredible story of loss that brought him to write this hymn. He lost all his kids at sea. There was nothing for him to learn, no explaination. The only thing he could do is rest in God's love and grace and say "it is well with my soul". That was all he needed.

Of course there is great pain and grieving, but there is also peace and rest in God. When we try to resolve what is not meant to be resolved with our human logic, we loose that peace that defies understanding. We stir up doubt, and question why, and ask what should I learn from loss...

But I guess it's not always about learning, but resting and trusting in God regardless of life's turmoil and pain. Unresolved, yet in an unexplainable way resolved deep within our souls.

It's difficult to explain or grasp. To be at rest and content in Him in the midst of great losses...

Going wireless

Every Estonian lives in a wireless zone, it's like an aura around us, almost seems to be in our genes, we can't live, breathe or function without it... But it makes me wonder why it's so hard for us to grasp the concept of wireless communication with our Creator...

It's interesting, every person has been wired for communication with God. We ourselves cut the line, unplug ourselves from the source and instead are entertained by the noise that surrounds us. We think we can manage on our own, and we have all we need. But what we have is often not sufficient, not our wisdom, our abilities, nor our talent, even when it's collectively combined.

We somehow recognise there's so much to learn from the virtual world of the internet, yet we forget there is so much more to learn from the spiritual realm. God does guide us when we listen, but we seem to plug into the wrong place.

Listening to God requires removing ourselves from distractions. This could be TV, internet, cities and people. To quote one of my favourate verses, we need to "be still and know He is God". To know God and His heart we should quiet ourselves, be free of distractions. For when he speaks, he often whispers and we need to be attentive to hear...

Our conversation with God

One of my favourite comedians is Bill Cosby. He does a great take on Noah's conversation with God as he's instructed to build an ark. Here's a youtube link to listen to it:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n0KHt8xrQkk

I don't know about you, but on occasion I've had similar conversations with God. When things don't go as we want or expect, we sometimes can get frustrated and argue with God. Last night I was at a prayer group, and we discussed the topic of prayer, what prayer is and how we should pray. Although Jesus did teach us what to pray, He didn't specifically defined how we should express our prayers...

We tend to come before God with elequant words, sometimes in a way trying to impress Him (or even sometimes the people around us). But Jesus had His opinion about people with elequant words. Quite simply He wasn't impressed.

All God expects from us is a sincere and contrite heart, broken if it may be. He wants to feel our emotion and passion, even when things don't go as we wish. He didn't create us as one sided or unemotional robots, so why do so often we pray as if He has? I don't think God gets angry when we react to Him in our growing process (as little kids so often also do with their parents), He just expects us to trust and obey Him however we reach that point. We just need to remember at the end of the day He really does have our best interest at heart.

So next time you pray, ask questions, let Him know what you feel and think. Even though has given us a model of how and what to pray, He has never asked us to deny expressing our thoughts, feelings or emotions. He's not interested in a stagnant "textbook" relationship, but one that is vibrant and free, whether emotions run hot or cold. For He truly loves us and want's us to be His passionate children.

Painting the shell

This Easter I decided to paint some Easter eggs, something I haven't done in over 10 years. I'm not exactly sure where this tradition began, but (unlike the eggs I painted) there are some amazing works of art to be found out there. I'm especially impressed with Ukrainian Easter eggs, on which the artwork is incredibly intricate.

So I started thinking, what is an egg? Seems like a silly question, but as I looked at this white egg I realised there was actually life inside. I also wondered if by painting the shell am I doing justice to the pure white beauty of the egg. It in itselt is simply a perfect shape, although no two are exactly alike. Rather than painting a hard boiled egg I decided to blow out the yolk through a small hole on each end (purely for the purpose of preserving the egg long term). So now I was working with an empty shell, ready to paint it beautiful.

Isn't this how we treat life sometimes? We focus on the shell, making it as beautiful as we can, trying to impress others with the outer beauty, and tend to neglect the life that's growing from within. Rather than embracing an often painful growth, and natural pressure which inevitable cracks the shell, we instead focus on preserving the shell and painting it in brilliant colours. Sometimes we kill or "blow out" the life inside only to preserve the shell. Why has this shell become so important to us?

I guess it depends on who we are trying to impress. God has created us into growing physical and spritual beings. Any shell is only to protect us when we are most vulnerable, He has never intended to keep anyone in a shell forever. Real growth brings cracks, breaks the shell of our lives and the process may not be easy or beautiful,... at least not at first. But life's not about the shell or how brilliantly we paint it, but the real beauty lies in the life that hatches from within. Real beauty comes from growth which extends itself and cracks the shell, trusting God to teach us to fly, and to one day soar as eagles (Isaiah 40:31)

So let's not be too concerned about preserving our "beautiful shell". By cracking it we just may be birthing something much more beautiful.

Peeling an onion

On my flight back to Estonia I've been reading quite an interesting novel called "The Shack". It's a story about a man who through life's horrendous difficulties struggles with issues of forgiveness, love, and trusting God. It's a gut wrenching story, albiet a few ideas presented in the story are a bit unothodox and difficult to digest at first, but the theme of God's love and grace comes through clearer than any i have read in a long time.

Like this man, we all go through unexpected struggles in our lives. Loss of family, friends, jobs, posessions, forms of abuse, some stuggles more difficult than others. These difficulties leave wounds and scars, tissue that may turn into layers of hurt, regret, bitterness and unforgiveness. These are defence layers we create to protect ourselves from being hurt again. It often causes us to be shallow and superficial, not allowing our relationship with God and our fellow person to grow deeper. We run the danger of having our hearts turn calloused, or as scripture so well describes into "hearts of stone".

This book so well described how God can start peeling away those calloused layers and restore within us a "heart of flesh". I kind of picture it like peeling onions. The first layers are not so bad, usually thin and died up. Not much pain involved until you get to the third or fouth layer. The deeper you peel, the less dry the layers are, the more fleshlike our hearts become. Funny thing with onions, the peeling usually comes with tears. God wants to give us a heart that is sensitive and true. A heart full of compassion and grace.

And it all starts with a little peeling below the surface...