The Great Depression

These three words i attribute to the year ending today. 2012 has certainly not been my most difficult year i've experienced -i can think of several years which have been more devastating than this one, but few have come close to being as depressing as the year we are now passing.

Four years ago the world's economy crumbled, though this is not have the greatest impact on me. What shook me was personal losses, the passing of my closest friend-mentor, and the crumbling of some of my most valued relationships -mostly friends who abused the trust i put in them. It took some time to recover from these losses which were heart wrenching and difficult, though significant progress and healing came. I could begin to see many valuable lessons through the difficulties i had experienced. 2011 seemed to be a watershed year for me, with great expectations for 2012. I was expecting Job's story -part II.

Many signs pointed me towards new opportunities to put my faith and experience into action. I was confident God had opened these new doors and was developing key relationships to bring a greater plan into fruition. As i took courage and stepped out, i suddenly found myself flat on my face. All the diligent planting of this spring brought just one sprout, which then dried up into dust. Like a farmer in a parched field, i felt disillusioned and lost again.

We tend to put on a brave face during hard times, not wanting anyone to know how much we're really hurting. This was just another layer of pain, added to the countless layers i've hidden below it. Yes, there's some hidden pain in all of us, whether we acknowledge it or not. Sure, we have different types and levels of pain, and handle our pain differently. Some deny the pain and become critical of others to make themselves feel better than others. Others only wallow and complain about their pain, at times driving the most caring friends away. And some of us have learned to cleverly disguise the pain through humour and laughter, countless smiles hiding deep wounds of pain. At least until our face muscles tire out..

Religious people often quote scripture and give us instructions on how we should 'appear' to live, without understanding and addressing the root issues, which in itself amounts to no more than training of our smiling muscles. We are expected to conform to an image and standard which we can never fully attain, so instead we decide to cover up the underlying pain.. since it appears resolution can't be found. And if we can't keep our smile up we cocoon, remain secluded and distant from others who may 'righteously' or unrighteously judge us.

But what if our pain could be resolved? And what if it can't? How do we live with it, honestly acknowledging the fact that it exists, but yielding and trusting it into God's hands? I'm still in the process of learning how to do this, and it certainly has been a long and hard process. It's not that God in His amazing grace isn't willing to accept us as we are, because He is; but how easily can we accept ourselves with all the hurt and painful wounds we have? It's often too easy to listen to the words of those who have helped form our thought patterns, to see our own failure rather than looking to God's amazing grace. So often parents, teachers, and pastors repetitively point out our failures and impose unreachable standards, but God doesn't do this. He doesn't deny the fact that our pain and failure is very much there, but He reaches his hand to lift us up, not to put us down. He asks that we simply trust and acknowledge Him.

So, have i learned how to trust God fully?.. No. This year of 2012 was filled with evidence of this. Many unexpected setbacks and criticism of others caused me to cocoon, draw into myself, and lean on my own misguided understanding of who i am or have become. This only causes one to dive into a deeper depression. Trying to find resolution in my mind only caused me to sink in deeper. Proverbs 3:5 encourages us not to lean on our own understanding, but to acknowledge Him in all we do. For we are His creation, His masterpiece, His children, and He does care for us, regardless of how hurt or depressed we may feel at times. We need not sink further or feel so down.

I pray as we step into the new year 2013, we would learn to trust God more than our own understanding, and find strength to grasp His hand and rediscover in Him the freedom to live through and above our so misunderstood pain.

Wishing everyone a blessed and uplifted New Year!

and as always, the story will be continued..

the earlybird's meal..

Don't know if i'm just restless or if the jetlag caught up with me,.. woke up at 4am today. They say the earlybird gets the worm,... but i'm not much into worms..

Life sometimes feels like that,.. we get up early to seek something good from the new day, but all we have on the plate is worms... I really didn't feel like getting out of bed this morning, thinking all i have to look forward to are worms (ie: all the unpleasent issues i'm currently dealing with)... Doesn't God have anything better for us?

Then a thought crossed my mind: What are these worms good for? Good for fishing, we might even catch a big fish with one. Good for gardening, helping the soil produce a crop multiple times larger than we've planted. And yes, we can eat them too! They say worms have lots of protein and are tasty if prepared well... though i haven't had the courage to try any yet.

So how do we make the worms in our lives tasty? Yeah, i know that idea is a but out there, but perhaps we can learn how to fish with them, or accept them in the garden of our lives believing that they are good for us. Not always easy, but i'm guessing it's something God might help us to do... Often i'm not sure how to trust Him with the worms of my life and keep going about trying to rid myself of them.. in my wisdom, not His... Yet i still try to figure out why He keeps giving us all these worms...

Maybe food(?) for thought.. or just the ramblings of a crazy man who doesn't know enough to sleep in on a Saturday morning...

Who’s in my car?

Yesterday i heard a story shared about an automobile accident that happened years ago. A car carrying 14 passengers drove off the road into a deep ravine. Fourteen people in a car that was designed to hold only five! The impact should have killed all the occupants, but everyone survived! 

Many named it a miracle, but the rescuers had an explanation for this miracle. Had there been fewer people in the car someone would have certainly died. If there would have been less than five in the car everyone would have most certainly perished. How is this possible?

The fact that 14 people were so tightly packed in the car, the shock of impact was absorbed, distributed and shared by all the occupants of the car. The speaker who shared this story was not propagating unsafe overloading of vehicles, but using this illustration to make a point.

We are not designed to take on extreme impact alone. Be it physical, emotional or spiritual, when our lives are jarred by crashes or extreme impact, we rarely survive without others surrounding us, without someone close by our side. 

So the question is who’s in my car on this life journey? No, we don’t need 14 people packed around us, but we do need one or two people who are close, much closer than a brother, whom we can lean on, confide in and know they will be there for us regardless of how far off the road we have gone. 

There are times we need to drive alone, but journeying too long alone and crashing has the potential of killing us deep inside. 

Gift bag

Yesterday, I asked the sales clerk at the supermarket if they sell gift bags. ‘Yes’ she replied, and pointed towards the dog poop bags. Well, it wasn’t exactly the kind of gift i had in mind...

Funny as it was, it got me thinking about the kind of gifts we actually give. What gifts do we give and receive, and how are they valued? I’ve always struggled with finding gifts for others. It’s not that i don’t want to give, quite the opposite as i like the gifts i give to be well received. Usually before a birthday or similar occasion you can find me wandering around a shopping mall, sometimes taking hours to find the right gift. And when i do find something to give, i almost always if feel it’s not good enough or that i could have found something more appropriate.

Maybe i’m not like most people. Perhaps others don’t go through such ordeals in buying gifts..

to be continued...

Murky waters at Jõe 5/7

Estonians are a strange lot. They seem to be quite friendly and pleasant towards others, though not that often not towards one another. You can never tell what an Estonian is up to, they often say one thing but have something completely different in mind...

Estonians are a strange lot. They seem to be quite friendly and pleasant towards others, though not that often not towards one another. You can never tell what an Estonian is up to, they often say one thing but have something completely different in mind...

Six years ago, i bought a couple of properties with the address  Jõe 5/7 in Tallinn. The street name ‘Jõe’ means river in Estonian, since a river once flowed in the vicinity. The building has been converted from industrial to residential by a fly by night builder, who quickly liquidated his business soon after the building was completed. Needless to say, this building has it’s share of problems, the least and most of them water related.

Now if these problems were only due to flooding from a river that once flowed through there, i could understand it, but it’s become apparent that the building itself seems leaky by design. In the past 6 years my properties have suffered flooding from leaky pipes at least half a dozen times.

The former building management refused to deal with the first incidents, where my bicycle, some furniture and much of my sporting goods suffered damage from rusty water and subsequent mold. For two years i fought tooth and nail to get the problem rectified and damage compensated to no avail. I eventually refused to pay management fees until the damage was repaired, then reached an agreement with building manager Aleksandr that they would quickly repair the situation and i would pay as soon as the repairs are done. Fair enough, or so i thought...

Except they didn’t do the repairs, nor did they make any effort to find the source of the problem. I instead got a threat and legal action taken against me. Being overseas at the time, i was ill-prepared to defend myself, though i did eventually argue my case with the judge. They won on technicality, i had to pay them and start a new legal case to recover my losses.

But now the building management team had changed, and more reasonable people seemed to be in control, so i decided not to pursuit legal action. At a property owners meeting, they listed all the sins of the previous management, including pilfering of funds. The new management gave their commitment to get the house back in order. I believed them, or at least i wasn’t as skeptical as before...

(being edited)

There, but for the grace of God go i..

Monday night as i was walking back from the centre of town, i came across a poor soul who had fallen and smashed his face, which was swollen quite bad. As i stopped to help him, it became apparent that he was by no means sober or clean for that matter. I called an ambulance and agreed to wait with him until help arrived.

I helped him move to a more comfortable position, and then asked him where he lives, what he does for a living and what he’s doing on the street at this late hour in such bad shape. Barely coherant, he told me that he lives on the street and begs for a living (only to spend it on drowning his sorrows). He used to live in with his in-laws until his wife passed away 8 years ago. He also lost his job as a machine operator, i suspect as a result of turning to the bottle after not finding the means to cope with his sorrow adequately.

So he’s ended up walking the streets for the last 7 months. Here’s a 54 year old man with no place left to go, no one who cares enough to support him and help him work though his pain. I tried to talk with him some more, perhaps looking for a way to give him a good word of encouragement, but every word i could think of seemed so hollow when i considered all his losses, the loss of loved ones, loss of employment, and finally his loss of dignity. Due to his intoxicated state, it was difficult to carry on a meaningful conversation, i wonder how much good any of my words did anyways.

The ambulance soon showed up, and i left this poor soul in their care. As i continued walking, i glanced back several times wondering what kind of pain has brought him to this place in life Strangely, deep inside i could almost relate to him. Then it dawned on me, that could have easily been me! Except for the grace of God i’ve found.

You see, none of us are better than this guy. We all have failed, we all have had pain and we all have had sorrow. Some more than others, though fewer and fewer of us have been fortunate to find the love, acceptance and support from friends and family who surround us. Even still, how many of us who have not found that compassion and support, masquerading as if everything’s fine yet inside we’re in no better state than this poor man...

This world needs a lot more love and acceptance, not judgement and alienation of people who struggle in life. We love our comfort zones, we stay in the company of those who have positive outlooks and keep away from those who do not or tell them to get their act together. Where does that leave our society, where does that leave churches when Christians are so preoccupied with 'positive thinking' and ‘spiritual actions’. How often do we forget that life is much more than our self defined blessings and benefits...

We say Jesus that came into this world not for the well and prosperous but for the sick and needy. He didn’t have many nice words for those who loved their high positions and comfort zones. Why have we gotten things so backasward in our view of others, expecting them to conform to our standards, while not reaching down to those who are literally wallowing in their pain. We praise and preach about a God who is loving, forgiving and compassionate, but fail to exemplify His love and compassion when we see others need deep in mud and mire...

I pray all our eyes could be opened the next time we see someone in true need, and realize: ‘There, but for the grace of God go I...

Our shells

Shells are made to protect. Look at a clam, snail, or turtle, all have been created with shells to protect their fragility. People in many ways are similar, fragile and create their own invisible shells. I’ve see this in so many lives, and acknowledge i too at times hide within my own protective shell, especially when there’s an imminent threat of being wounded again.

Shells do protect us from wounds, however they can also lead to isolation and loneliness. Periods of isolation may help healing, but extended isolation keeps us in darkness, a state that does not bear well for our souls...

Deep wounds often draw people into a protective shell. One of the deepest wounds is rejection. Repetitive rejection can erode our boldness, bring on depression and if not dealt with will eventually lead to despair or much worse.

I want to share a resource that i’ve recently been listening to on the topic of rejection, and how it can effect us. I’m not propagating any guaranteed solutions, but identification of the issue and threats is half of the battle. Getting out of the downward spiral has more to do with God’s grace and finding the right people to surround us, than in what we can accomplish ourselves. I encourage you to listen to this 5 part series on the topic of rejection. The link is attached below. Perhaps it might give you some insight, either to help you or someone you know come out of their shell...

**audio link**

Our life as a book

Originally published 5 February 2012

Chances are, that if you’re reading my blog you also like reading books. Have you ever noticed some books are easier to read than others? I’m not only talking about the content, but the text itself. The words, it’s font, spacing, margins, perhaps even the texture of the paper... Some books just seem more inviting and pleasurable to read.

In other books the text is crammed together with little space or margins, and can be very hard and tiring to read. Even a good book, like the pocket travel Bible i own, regardless how good the content is, my eyes become very tired when i read the small print. I think we can all agree it’s easier to read text that is well spaced and has sufficient margins surrounding it.

Do you know each of our lives are like a book, or a letter as Paul describes it in 2 Cor 3:2-3 (read). Each page has text that people can read. How many actually read it i really don’t know, but i suspect it’s more than we realize.. 

So what does a page of your life look like? I know what mine has looked like. There’s some pages that have been very rough, others seemingly much more positive. I led a full life with business (don’t like that word) and ministry, creating jobs, impacting people’s lives, all good things that i felt God had led me to do. And i could always see many more opportunities and needs. My friends knew my heart, that i wanted to have an impact, wanted to make a difference in people’s lives and furthering God’s kingdom.. So i did more, took on more projects, since i believed i had the capacity, and that i can do all things though Christ who strengthens me!  Philippians 4:13. 

My page still had room in the margin to write, to create something new. Things were going relatively well and my life couldn’t be more full, and little did i know that i was right! then the storms came, and i had no room or margin to deal with them. I needed to re prioritize, displace or neglect things of less importance. At first it came at the expense of rest and sleep. I slept less, and my mind was still going in my sleep. my vacations were working vacations, with my phone and computer turned on. But everything was important! Yet the storms became worse while i still had all my sails out... I was unprepared... and didn’t have time to batten down,.. i thought surely God would carry me through. 

I shared my struggles with good friend of mine, a former missionary to Russia and Estonia. He suggested i take some time off and come to the US for a rest, but how could i in the midst of the storm? I was in the midst of a rescue operation, i needed to resolve many problems, save my businesses and the mission i felt God had called me to.  

I had taken on more than he had called me to. I had filled the margins of my life page with many good things and opportunities. And when trouble came i had no margin to deal with it. And they came as weeds, between the text, choking off the good fruit... The weeds paralized me, since there was no room to move. I could no longer accomplish in a week what i once accomplished in a day. battling the weeds i eventually ran out of strength and shut down.

Then my health started failing, and i knew i needed to make some crucial decisions. I cut ties with the vision, the goals i had, and handed business responsibilities to my colleagues, even sold most of my business interest at a great financial loss. My health was more important now. Then i accepted my friend’s invite to take some down time.

I had become quite disillusioned with God. Do His promises not work? What about Philippians 4:13? (quote). I sat quietly in my disillusionment, a little like Job but in my own sackcloth, questioning, searching for some answer (i also had many friends too who gave their flawed Ŕx). But finally God spoke, through a book i read. True, I can do all things through Christ who strengthen’s me, but when did Christ tell me to do all things...?

Yes each of us have different capacities, though we have been called to give our all for the sake of Christ. Yet we need space and margins on each page of our life. We need financial margins, emotional margins, physical margins and time reserves. Without these it can become hard to read even our own lives. We cannot remain continually maxed out. We need rest, (every 7 days, every 7 years). God is the one who has created us with limits, and if we step outside these limits and use up the margins He has designed for us, we do that at our own peril. 

So when we look at the book of our lives, what kind of pages do we see? What kind of pages do others see? Looking back in my life book, i see some very ugly and messy pages. Sometimes i’d like to just tear out those pages or rewrite them if i could. But we can’t, and it’s all part of a greater story, HIS story. How He can take and transform, and work everything out for good, craeting  an amazing story, of those who have been called according to His purposes (Rom 8:28). 

In our lives there’s many pages to be written yet. Let’s keep the margins of our lives clear, so our lives would remain easy for others (and ourselves) to read, and that God could use the testimonies from the pages of our lives, to share His good news more effectively.

True understanding

If you’ve been following this blog, you’ve probably noticed i haven’t written much over the few months. It’s not that i’ve lacked time or desire to, but because i’ve been in a deep and dark valley, struggling with a number of issues, some deeply personal and some regarding my health. At times like this i tend to become more secluded and less sociable, especially when it seems hard to find true understanding anywhere.

Focusing on projects or entertainment, or even other people’s issues has helped keep my mind off this deepening pain, but it hasn’t helped resolve all that’s amiss. God may be the only one who can truly understand, though He has been mysteriously quiet lately... I keep asking, what is He trying to teach me?

Yet i’ve grown quite weary of all the searching and wrestling, and receiving ‘judgmental advice’ from well (and some not so well) meaning friends, mostly given in the fashion of Job’s good old friends. Precariously few however, have taken time to sit with me for a while, before opening their ‘wise’ mouths...

Yesterday i met with a friend (about 10 years older than me), whom i also had lunch with a few months ago. For some reason i felt comfortable sharing my struggles with him. He listened intently, without saying a word, without a nod of acknowledgment, nor any other sign he might understand. I kept talking and he kept listening, which in some ways was refreshing compared to the way most of my friends interrupt and interject when i speak.

After being quiet for a while, i wondered if he could relate to anything i’ve shared. He replied ‘Yep, I think I can,.. I’ve been there too.’ Suddenly i’m looking at someone who can identify with me and my struggle. He shared no conventional 'words of wisdom’, nor did he patronize or judge me based on his experiences or understanding of scripture. He simply assured me that no matter how dark and lifeless the valley may seem, God is still there and has never left me. Just look for the smallest sign of life, as little as a twitching of a finger.

Words of understanding are often much more powerful than words of wisdom, teaching, and guidance many so eagerly give. Without doubt there is merit to seeking wisdom and guidance as the scripture instructs, but there are times when this does not suffice. There are moments when we need to find true understanding, compassion and grace, where no 'words of wisdom' can help, but to just sit with the hurting without speaking a word.

I think of the phrase ‘A picture is worth a thousand words’. In a similar way our lives are like a picture, a masterpiece of God. All of life’s lighter and darker moments are painted on the canvas of our soul, creating a picture worth much more than a thousand words. And each of our words can add or take away from the beauty of this masterpiece. When you see each life as a divine masterpiece, you begin to understand it’s sometimes better to have few words, for our words do have the power to make or break the picture.

Shortsighted seller

Yesterday i travelled 200km to buy a 2001 Peugeot selling for 600euro. A great deal since it was about half the normal selling price.

Before taking the long bus ride down to Tartu, i talked with the seller named Marko, who kindly advised me of all the defects on the vehicle (a sensor not working and rear suspension issues). He also told me that the vehicle comes with extra snow tires, the inspection is good for three months, and that the balance of the insurance will be transferred to the new owner (all were also noted in the online ad).

Since it seemed like a good buy, i committed to buying the vehicle and asked him to hold it for me until i arrive. He still needed to get authorization to sell the vehicle since it was in the name of his employer.

I arrived at 11:40am, but he was running late expecting to arrive at 12:30 (actually arrived at 13:00). I looked at the car, it was a bit rougher than he had described, although it had no rust the driver’s seat was sacked out, the radio and fan didn’t work and the rear door didn’t open from outside. He also now wanted an extra 100euro for the winter tires, which i declined. Somewhat disappointed that he wasn’t completely upfront with me, but considering the great price i still agreed to buy it.

We arrived at the registration office, where he advised me that the price was plus 20% tax since a business was selling it. Well i argued the advertised price was 600 total, but he rebutted that he told me plus VAT by phone (i understood it was VAT included). He said if i’m not interested he already has many others waiting to buy it (which at the price i can believe). Well, for the extra 120 he pointed out that it still had about half year insurance, more than half a tank of fuel, and valid inspection for 3 months, so i still (somewhat reluctantly) agreed..

We filled out the forms only to discover that the permission given by the company’s director wasn’t formulated correctly. While waiting for the correct permission to arrive, we had a good talk about Estonians and business,  and i shared some of the not so pleasant experiences i’ve had. He agreed that Estonians and business people should become more honest, and not be so shortsighted in their business dealings. He then gave me his business card for future business reference, which i received with a thank-you and smile (thinking this business contact may still be good)

After waiting for what seemed like forever (2-3 hours) he finally had the correct permission to sell it. Upon registration, it became apparent that the inspection was not expiring in October as he stated, but this month! My fault of course for not double checking... I then asked the registration clerk to check the insurance status which she confirmed was valid until April 2013, but i would need to go to the insurance office to transfer it after the vehicle transfer goes through the system..

Well in the 5 minutes it took for me to get to the insurance rep, Hansa Maaler had cancelled the insurance policy leaving me with only valid insurance for the current day! Another deception of the seller, who looked at me and said ‘I hope you’re not disappointed, you still got a good deal!’

‘Typical Estonian behavior’ i responded, thinking this is exactly the shortsightedness i described which causes people to lose trust in Estonians. Apparently feeling uncomfortable about the situation, Marko kept reminding me how good a deal i still got, blaming the transaction indiscrepancies on his employer’s decision.

I still followed through on my agreement to buy the vehicle and drive him close to 30km home afterwards (though for a short moment i felt like leaving him stranded at the registration office). During the drive, he started telling me about his hobby farm venture and gave a sales pitch for his organic products, to which i replied 'i’ll think about it' (though after this vehicle transaction experience, his credibility had dropped quite a few points).

So, would i buy anything from Marko again? I really wouldn’t be inclined to. Would i recommend his company Hansa Maaler to anyone?  Probably not. They may be a great company and offer great products, but they are shortsighted: Regardless how good the deal was, failing to deliver what they promised on this simple transaction, may end up costing them many times more in the long run..

Sadly, i’ve found this behavior to be quite typical in Estonia and in many other places in Eastern Europe. Shortsighted individuals who focus only on short term gain. Be it with business partners, sales people or just simple person to person transactions, these shortsighted sellers don’t seem to realize that in the long run, they only end up shortchanging themselves...

Evidence of airworthy faith

Over a few weeks i’ve heard a number of Christians talk about what’s right and wrong with certain religious views and teachings, regarding a wide array of topics. The way some facts were presented seemed harsh, though seemed to be based on truth none the less. Truth is something we all seek, none of us want to build our lives on falsehoods or lies.

So how trustworthy is our source of truth? We as Christians consider the Bible, believing it’s the inspired word of God, to be the ultimate source of truth. Everything else is measured against this. How certain are we that we use this measuring stick appropriately? And does it give us the right to use whatever means impose our views on others?

Richard Dawkins challenges our measuring stick quite convincingly. I’ve just watched a series of videos on what he calls ‘The God Delusion’ in which he argues people of faith often defend their irrational beliefs relentlessly, some even to the point of violence and death. He states such faith has no basis of logic or reason, and in itself is a core root of evil. Sadly, what he states has often been true. Many atrocities have taken place in the name of God, forcing others to ‘the faith' without producing any true evidence of it.

Dawkins also challenges us with the argument of scientific analysis. Is there any proof of what we believe in? He states that he can’t disprove God, just as he can’t disprove fairies or other 'imaginary beings', but he hasn’t found any evidence that God exists. So what is the evidence of our belief in God that we have founded our lives on? Is our faith just 'the substance of things hoped for and the evidence of things unseen' as the scripture states in Hebrews 11?

Based on this scripture we all have faith, whether we believe in the Bible or not. Traveling by airplane takes faith, in effect it’s the substance of what you hoped for, which is getting to your destination. It is also the evidence of things unseen, since you cannot physically see what is carrying the aircraft. True, principles of flight have been tested and scientifically proven, but hasn’t our faith in God also been proven in a similar way?

Some say the best defense (especially against insecurity) is offense. This may explain why the faith of many Christians seems offensive. Often their faith is not based on personally proven experiences, but on their untested beliefs in what others have taught them, which they in turn try to impose on others. Dawkins considers this as evil. Agreed! Even scripture tells us to test what we have been taught, hold on to what is good, and avoid evil (Thes 5:21-22). True faith should not be offensive or evil by imposing it’s beliefs on others.

Those who aren’t convinced air travel is safe, may be inclined to stay close to those who believe it is, to help overcome their own insecurities. Call it a form of herd mentality, where you start thinking the same as others. Dawkins argues the same premise for people of faith. Sure, there’s the illusion of security in numbers where others have faith, but a plane can crash just as easily with 1 or 100 people on board. Facts show that airplane crashes are most often due to human error, just as unsound faith can end in destruction due to human error and misguidance. An aircraft that is airworthy and well guided should get you safely to your destination. The same holds true for faith...

What Dawkins suggests is right: Faith needs to be tested and upheld by evidence, and it is scientific, even if it’s tested on a personal level. We would be crazy to believe in something that doesn’t work, or fly on airplanes that aren’t airworthy. True, 'faith is the substance of things hoped for and the evidence of things unseen', and as such our faith is based on evidence no less.

Someone who believes in the aircraft they are boarding, shouldn’t need to go around convincing and converting others to believe in it’s airworthiness. The evidence is in the fact that thousands safely fly by air on a regular basis. We may not understand every detail of how the aircraft works, nor have a degree in aeronautics, but we know it works from personal experience. The same is true with faith. But regardless of all the evidence and experiences, there will always be those who point to the crashes and disasters. And this is a big reason many will never step on an airplane and fly.

Are Christians often arrogant in imposing their faith? Are some atrocities done in the name of God? Yes many are, but these actions are not biblical. Study the life of Christ, is there any evidence that Jesus imposed His views on unbelievers? Did he force his views with violence? No. His example showed us that true faith in God exemplifies security and love, not hate; and the evidence of this faith is finding truth and peace, not imposing one’s beliefs on another.

Faith does not compromise truth, but establishes it through understanding and grace with those who sincerely seek it. Truth however does becomes divisive to those who don’t seek it, including many people of faith...

So how trustworthy is our understanding of truth? Do we as Dawkins draw conclusions from man-made atrocities and disasters we see? Do we blindly proclaim what is taught by our teachers, preachers and the media? It’s like stepping on an airplane, for our faith to fly- it needs to be airworthy; backed with sound evidence. Test it for truth, look at the evidence, and believe with grace. This is exactly what the Bible implores us to do...

Guilty by Association

I’ve heard this thought quoted quite often in many circles:”Tell me who your friends are, i’ll tell tell you who you are.” It’s true, the people we associate with can influence on us, but i wonder how much can really effect our core values and character... If we associate with people of questionable behavior, does that necessarily mean our behavior and character will be corrupted?

A good friend of mine, someone i’ve known for years has made some bad decisions recently in the midst of hard struggles and setbacks. I have to admit, with much of his reactionary behavior he’s dug himself a muddy hole and come under very harsh judgement by others. I suspect his new circle of friends has influenced some his ill-advised decisions, but does this mean i should no longer associate with someone of such report? And if i still consider him a friend, will others judge me by my association with him?

If the saying “Tell me who your friends are, i’ll tell you who you are” holds true, what are we to think of Jesus? And can we find any scripture to back-up this point of judgement? Sure, there’s sayings in Proverbs that shares some thoughts keeping good company and character, but exactly who did Jesus associate with? His association with questionable individuals resulted in many calling him ‘A friend of sinners’. Is this what he really was? When we look at His life, it would seem so...

Self-righteous people judge others by association. Jesus was judged this way. In scripture we see that the pharisees, who considered themselves better than others and would not associate with sinners. Jesus however saw the need, that it’s the sick need a physician, not those who consider themselves well. He was always a friend to those who acknowledged their sorry state, be they prostitutes or tax collectors, the sinners of the day.

No one is perfectly well, regardless of how highly we may think of others or ourselves. We’re all sinners, none better than another in the eyes of God. So let’s stop judging people guilty by association, and let us be like Christ, a true friend to friends in need...

Another small injustice resolved

It’s not often i post a complaint here about the society we live in, but today’s small victory is worthy of a comment or two...

For the past couple of years Lindorff, an Estonian collection agency has been after me for a debt i paid long ago. The problem started when Stockmann, a department store sent my credit card bill to the wrong address. Though i asked them to send bills to my e-mail, they stated that they could only send bills to my postal address. So much for our widely propagated ‘e-Estonia’...

So with my bills going to the wrong address (unknown to me at the time), i became a delinquent client. Of course as soon as i discovered the problem, i visited Stockmann’s customer service team and cleared things up. I paid the bill, my address was corrected, and Stockmann agreed to not charge me any late fees or interest.

Except they failed to keep their promise. The interest charged remained on their books, and without any notice they eventually forwarded the interest debt to this collection agency. Over the past year i’ve responded countless times to the agency stating that should check their records since i have no debt owning to Stockmann. The agency never replied, but just kept sending me threatening letters.

Visiting Stockmann did not produce results either. My initial complaints to them were also ignored. Finally this week, a heated discussion i had with with client services led to the company’s accountant to look at the situation more seriously. The result of which was a phone call from them just an hour ago where with an apology they have reversed the charges and cancelled the debt. Hurraaah!

But this was not the first encounter i’ve had with Estonian institutions trying to collect what they are not entitled to. Especially recently it seems the taxman, banks, building management companies, among many other enterprises are placing undue and unjust pressure on citizens without any consideration for what’s true and right. There is little effort to resolve situations, the main effort is to enslave others with unreasonably high bills, late charges and exorbitant interest rates.

It’s tiring fighting injustice in this land. What does the simple person do? They that have no crafty lawyers to resort to, or lack the strength and will to fight for what’s just are often chewed up by the system. Many give in and pay what they should not pay. Others get crushed unjustly by snowballing debt.

So far i’ve fought and won two significant cases of injustice, but i’ve also fought and unjustly lost at least two more. What i’ve learned is that the system here is corrupt much more than i one dared to believe, and regardless of what image Estonians may portray, many are still fixated on consuming their own. There’s less regard for your neighbors’ wellbeing, than how one can benefit at his expense.

As far as i see it, we have the remnants slave mentality, with many having the goal of becoming a slave keeper rather than a slave. Regrettably, with this mentality engrained in much our society, and thus an Estonian’s favorite dish still remains the same... Is there any chance the menu will ever change?

Perhaps our next generation will learn to be truly free...

"Don’t take it personally"

Over the past two weeks, this phrase has echoed through several discussions here in Estonia. As i’ve discussed business practices with many individuals and entrepreneurs, several have stated business is business and personal is personal, that business should never be taken personally. This morning Jevgeni, a building management representative whom i’ve had a dispute with, stated that business should never be taken personally, that to him business is all a big game to see who wins the most.

Interesting perspective from those who play this game,.. some win, some loose, as if it’s a lifelong poker game. But isn’t everything we do in life is personal? Isn’t how we behave a reflection of our values and who we actually are? And isn’t the object of this ‘game’ personal gain at another’s personal loss? What if others don’t like to play your games? What happens when you deceitfully take away what rightfully and personally belongs to another?

Life is personal no matter how you look at it, since God created us as personal not impersonal beings. When someone violates your personal space, be it physical, financial or emotional, it’s an ugly game regardless what you call it. Games like these are played by calloused hearts, people with no regard for community nor the interests of others. In acts of selfishness they endlessly try to fill a black hole in their soul, never satisfied and never filled.

The scripture teaches us that it’s better to give than to receive, yet so few actually know how to truly apply this principle to their lives. Visions of personal gain often skew our view of what is really important. And even when we give, our giving is rarely without the expectation of some personal return.

Yes, it’s all personal regardless what you may think. And how we behave is our personal message to others of who we are and what we believe.

Our Greatest Hour

This morning i came across a very inspiring post on a friend’s Facebook page:

Winston Churchill took, what looked like a long sabbatical; or worse...a retirement from his political career before his greatest hour. Rejected by his peers, removed from public office, he retreated to the English countryside in his early 50's. It wasn't until years later during WWII that his leadership was esteemed and he said that he felt he was walking in his destiny and everything before that was just preparation!

Those of us who aspire to higher goals and believe in a greater purpose in life, often come up against brick walls on the path we travel. Well intentioned goals may become derailed by factors completely outside our control, as we are attacked and cheated by others, and are under a relentless bombardment that can drain our strength and at times our will. Looking at Churchill’s life, we can see he was not immune to such struggles.

What’s interesting to note, is that he stepped back for a time, and was away from the limelight for a purpose and a reason. Many may have thought he had given up, but we now know that he had not. Whether we call it a sabbatical or just a long overdue rest, we all need to take down time to recover, reevaluate and rejuvenate ourselves. God never created us to endlessly plow full steam ahead. This is how many end up derailing themselves, or as some may describe 'burning themselves out'.

As i’ve rested on the sidelines for much of past three years, at times i’ve wondered if i’d ever be able to handle the battles again, establish new ventures or take on new challenges as i once did. Yes, time is our greatest asset and we must use it wisely, but i’ve also come to realize taking time to rest and rejuvenate may just be our greatest investment. Had Churchill not taken that sabbatical, would he have been ready for the challenge that faced him? Possibly not...

As an entrepreneur, i never really liked the term business or businessman. There’s many connotations associated with the term business, many not so positive. But what troubles me the most about this term is it’s root: BUSYNESS. Much of my business life has been busyness, not necessarily by my own choice but due to extraordinary circumstances i’ve encountered in my ventures. And an onslaught of busyness never allows us time for rest, and at the end may indeed cause us to loose our focus and burn out.

The challenge i now present to myself and others: Are we too busy to rest? Do we have time to be rejuvenated and revitalized in quietness, reflecting, dreaming and envisioning a greater purpose for our lives? Do we see the big picture, or are we enveloped by all the busyness that surrounds us? Taking time to be still and at rest, may just be the best place God can prepare us, for our greatest hour.

A diagnosis for this destination

I have recently discovered that there is a diagnosis for a destination i seem to have reached. This destination is not a place i ever planned to be, but it's a place i've been driven to by a series of circumstances outside my control.

Life deals blows to each and every person along their journey. We can experience trauma from loss of loved ones, unexpected deaths, broken relationships, violence, bullying, or loss of personal integrity by events initiated by others. Each person has been given a certain capacity to deal with the stresses of life, though each of our capacities to handle stress is varied and can be influenced by our physical wellbeing as well as our predisposition to stress.

Why is it that some people seem to have the capacity to roll with the most severe punches, while others crumble when facing severe stress? Why do some people arrive at a place of utter despair, a destination that consumes every once of energy, hope and even the will to live.

One diagnosis for this destination is PTSD. Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I never thought i could ever be diagnosed with this type of disorder, but i now acknowledge that i may be experiencing some of it's classic symptoms.

I've done some research on this condition and discovered it's not at all exclusive to soldiers returning from combat as many believe. In fact according to researchers from the Harvard Medical School, the rate of PTSD in adults who were in foster care for one year between the ages of 14–18 was actually higher than that of combat veterans. Some additional insight i found:

Although most people encounter trauma over a lifetime, about 8% develop full PTSD. Vulnerability to PTSD actually stems from an interaction of early childhood developmental experiences, and trauma severity. Predictor models have consistently found that childhood trauma, chronic adversity, and familial stressors increase risk for PTSD as well as risk for biological markers of risk for PTSD after a traumatic event in adulthood. This effect of childhood trauma, which is not well understood, may be a marker for both traumatic experiences and attachment problems. Proximity to, duration of, and severity of the trauma also make an impact, and interpersonal traumas cause more problems than impersonal ones. (wikipedia)

Those of you who know me well, know that I have experienced several traumatic events since childhood. In a complex mess of family stressors, I spent many nights in my teen years walking the streets of Toronto since we rarely had peace at home. Yet even through my lowest moments, i always seemed to have enough resilience to get through it all and maintain hope for a better day. Without a doubt it's been by the grace of God that i've been able to keep my composure in life, and later use my experiences to help and encourage many youth who have lived through similar issues as i.

We have been taught to be strong by society, be it by leaders, teachers, pastors, or peers. Showing weakness, or showing our hurt and pain is rarely welcomed. We are taught to have a positive attitude in all our interactions with family, friends and colleagues. So we project a strong image to others while underlying stress often remains unresolved. Unchecked, this stress may eventually undermine our emotional integrity. We handle new stress with the emotional capacity we have, without realizing how eroded that capacity may be.

I have been strong through most stressful situations, though several extreme circumstances in recent years have incapacited me in many ways. I first noticed in 2008 (while i was going through what i call my 'Job year'), my ability to concentrate was severely reduced and I had trouble accomplishing in a week what i once accomplished in a day. I realized it was due to an unusually vicious onslaught of personal and business crisis', which i believed would ease over time. On the advice of good counsel, i did my best to reduce the sources of stress for the sake of my health (which was suffering quite a bit at the time).

Though the crisis' have somewhat subsided, my capacity to deal with stress has not been fully restored. I have a significantly reduced capacity (at rare times complete inability) to deal with stressful situations. It could be best described as trying to get a flat tire rolling, not an easy task at all. With much encouragement and support i can pump up the tire and get it rolling for a while, though it continues to leak and is soon flat again as forward motion is immobilized. There have been studies linking similar 'flat tire' symptoms to Adrenal Fatigue Syndrome where the andrenal glands of an individual have been overstressed and not functioning properly, though this theory is not widely accepted in the medical community.

Regardless of medical diagnosis', we can't deny that we are conditioned by external forces to behave and react in certain ways. Behavior patterns, while technically are ours to decide, more often than not are conditioned by crisis. When crisis overwhelms us, our ability to control our behaviour is severely curtailed.

People of faith are often critical of those struggling with certain thought or behavior patterns. But we need to remember, there are several examples in scripture of sincere people who had similar struggles. Apostle Paul was surely experiencing some kind of overwhelming stress, when he was "doing the things he didn't want to and not doing what he ought to" (Rom7:15). Peter was incapacitated by fear, as he denied his best friend and Lord. Job sat incapacitated in sackcloth and couldn't do anything after he had lost all his wealth and loved ones. Yet each of these stories gives us hope of some restoration, though a mysterious thorn continued to plague Paul for the balance of his life; and i doubt Job even with a new family, ever stopped missing his lost loved ones..

Someone with PTSD carries a heavier burden than most can comprehend. Just telling someone with PTSD to get over it and get moving is never the solution. Understanding the person's diminished capacity and need for extra support and encouragement will certainly help keep the tire inflated longer. After all, Jesus instructed us to help carry one another's burdens. Perhaps if we can help keep someone's leaky tire rolling, over time the leaks might disappear...

Pinhole

They say it's harder for a rich man to enter heaven than for a camel to pass through an eye of a needle... (quoted from Matthew 18:24). 


I don't know much about this, i've never been really rich. Sure there's been times where i've been better off, but there’s also been many times where i've rubbed two cents together trying to create a third. Yet through the lowest and most difficult moments of my life i've never gone hungry, never gone begging, and i've never needed to steal to make ends meet. I guess God’s been good to me in this regard as i reflect on similar words found in Psalm 30:8-9.. 

Yet i’ve been pondering that small pinhole, the eye of the needle. How small does one need to be to pass through it? Or putting it into the context of the text, how poor do we need to be? And poor in what sense? Are we only talking about finances here?

Jesus taught in the beatitudes (Matthew 5) 'Blessed are the poor in spirit, for their's is the Kingdom of heaven.' The term poor is used to describe those who are part of God's kingdom, who will see God. It seems He's not talking about finances here. Who are the poor in spirit? Are they the broken, the wounded, rejected and unwanted? If so, then who are the rich in spirit and what do they look like? Are they the wise, the well educated, the ones endowed with a stronger faith, perhaps a deeper spiritual heritage?

Who has more faith, the rich man or the poor man? Ask a rich man to move a mountain, if he's rich enough he probably could! He could hire workers, buy all the excavators, bulldozers and dump trucks he needs to do it. To accomplish this, does he have more faith than the poor man? Absolutely, since he has faith in the resources he has to get the job done!

It seems our view of faith becomes somewhat skewed as we view men of great faith, or men who accomplish great things in the name of faith. Is this a true measurement of their faith in God, or simply an expression of their faith in the resources they've been endowed with? There's a fine line between whom and what we put our faith in...

Jesus said we need faith the size of a mustard seed (Matt 17:20)... Why didn't he tell us we need more? Maybe that's the key. A mustard seed could fit through a pinhole and the eye of a needle. Perhaps it's never really been a question of how great our faith is, but whom we put our faith in. It may just be easier for the poor in spirit and small in faith to find the pinhole in great obstacles, and with faith as small as a mustard seed see the true greatness of God.

Three years of blogging

It's been three years since i started this blog and i'm amazed i'm still at it. Those of you who a journeyed with me know some of the questions and struggles i have wrestled with, as well as some of the encouragements and lessons i've shared along the way.

Today as i think about what I've learned over the past three years, i wonder how much i have really grown. Can it somehow be measured? I can measure the months and days, i can measure the distance i've travelled (sometimes seemingly in circles), i can even measure it financially, but i can't find an appropriate gauge to measure my growth in wisdom and spirituality. And trying to measure myself against someone else is a distorted deception at best. As i seek to measure my growth, it sometimes feels the glass is more empty than full, the tank has much less fuel than when i began. With each passing day I realize there's so much more that i haven't understood or comprehended about life.

As we journey, some choose to sprint across the surface of life, while others choose to walk a slower and deeper path contemplating each step along the way. Do we choose between distance and depth? Can we achieve both? And should we try to achieve either of these?

I think we agree that a fast pace isn't the key to life. But maybe the distance and depth shouldn't be our focus either. Perhaps our goal shouldn't be finding ways to grow, but just to live LIFE as God intended! A life of simple discovery, a life of love, a life of caring, a life of sharing, a life of simply learning to LOVE LIFE itself! With all our introspection that's something we so easily forget to do. We become focused on our journey's distance or depth, looking for ways to measure our growth rather than living LIFE as it is.

If you had a chance to live your life again what would you focus on? Would you work and labour more? And if so, for what goal? Or would you climb a few more mountains, discover a few more places, find more ways to express your feelings and love towards others, or perhaps help a few more needy souls? And just how much time would you choose to spend measuring your own growth? It's a profound thought, as we in our introspection study books on topics like a purpose driven life, a deeper walk, reaching higher goals, and going the distance. All good for guidance, but is this what life's really about?

Three years from now, i hope you don’t find me measuring my own growth. There’s really no adequate model or scale, and no matter how we measure ourselves we will always come short. I pray that i could look back in three years and see that i have lived life exploring, loving, sharing, caring, giving, and that i’ve learned to live LIFE more in grace and not under the rule of some measuring stick.

Meaning of Dreams

being edited...

Shaken, not stirred...

I don’t drink Martinis but the words ‘shaken, not stirred' resonated with me last night, especially after running into an old acquaintance at a party, someone i once considered a trusted friend.

Three years have passed since this ‘friend’ intentionally abused my trust for his own personal gain. It was at a time when i was being crushed from many sides, by business partners and in my personal life. He was well aware of my struggles, for at times i had confided in him. As i struggled to find equilibrium to my financial and physical health,  i offered him an incredibly favorable deal to take over my share of a very viable business.

Within months he had violated our agreement, just after the business had completed a very profitable deal. He claimed the deal was not profitable, and he won’t be able to pay me as agreed. I asked him to show financial statements to see where the revenue has disappeared to, yet he refused to show key statements to me. We found ourselves in a stalemate, where he finally began to threaten driving the company into bankruptcy if i don’t agree to cut the debt he owed me.

My options included starting a criminal investigation and filing a civil suit which would take years to resolve, putting the future of the business and jobs of several employees in jeopardy. With my health in peril from being overstressed, and desperately short of cash, i decided instead to write off most of my investment and sell off his debt loosing 3/4 of what he owed me. A very painful blow, not only to my finances but to the trust i had once placed in a friend.

Over the following months i resolved to let go of the hurt, pain and bitterness that had enveloped me. Not an easy process, i must admit. As i struggled to put some of the pieces of my life together, i was constantly reminded of how he abused my trust at my most vulnerable time. Healing didn’t come easy, and forgiveness at first seemed like hollow words. Yet something stirred me towards forgiveness. Compassion, not of my own but from an eternal perspective. I slowly started to feel really sorry for this guy. Why? One verse found in Matthew 16:26 stirred me: 'What does it profit a man to gain the whole world, but loose his soul?’ What a great loss for this man, he’s much worse off than me! I’ve since prayed that he would find the error of his ways and come to true repentance.

The compassion that stirred my heart helped bring focus, at least it did until last night. Yesterday, rather than being stirred, i was shaken by reminders of what he had done. The pain of betrayal, the pain of mistrust, the pain of abuse felt as real yesterday as it did three years ago. I wisely kept my emotions at bay throughout the evening. There were moments i felt like exposing the fraudulent ways of this man, yet i didn’t. This was not the time or place. Nor was it for me to do, as i had committed all this to God’s hands long ago.

I took a long walk after the party last night, wondering why i had been shaken, not stirred. Has forgiveness not been complete? Has my forgiveness not been sincere? Is there any desire for revenge? No, though i’ve had many opportunities to expose him and make his life difficult, i’ve chosen not to, rather looking for grace that might bring healing to him. Yet what made it so difficult to see him yesterday? Is it that God hasn’t served justice? Maybe, yet even more the question why he still hasn’t come around to an understanding of his ways and repentance?

During my long walk i concluded that some wounds just take longer to heal, especially deep wounds that cut into the human heart. It’s not at all about money, though his actions have left me and others financially reeling. It’s not about hatred either, since i actually do feel sorry for the guy.

Sometimes healing comes slowly. Seeing him yesterday felt like a scab abruptly torn off to expose my stinging flesh. Yet under this scab i actually discovered the wound had partly healed and become much smaller. Fortunately smaller wounds do heal much faster. And thankfully today I no longer feel shaken, but stirred to compassion once again.