I've been looking for my brother all my life. No, not a lost brother, but a brother i've never found. A brother like the biblical character David had in Jonathan, a friend who actually does stick closer than a brother, a friend who shares in my deepest joys and hardest trials, with whom we share our visions and sorrows, someone who encourages and inspires me and whom i also encourage and inspire, someone i can confide in with complete confidence, someone to share life with in heartfelt intimacy.
I think of all the "brothers" who have come and gone -some for short periods some longer, in all these relationships i have yet to find a friend of "Jonathan" caliber who would stick closer than a brother. As i've tried to be such a brother to others, some relationships seem to have come close -but at the end they have simply abandoned and betrayed the brothership i've longed to develop.
I think back to my youth, my formidable school years, friends who never inspired me to succeed or to take courage, to stand up against being bullied, but who only shrunk away in fear at the most critical times. I remember one friend i could depend on, but life's changes caused us to drift apart. I think of all my "churched brothers", Christian peers who have revealed themselves to be the furthest from true brothers the way scripture defines. I think of older "brothers" who simply belittled me as i sought help for the instability and abuse i suffered at home.
I think of my dad who had suffered the ravages of war, including the loss of all his brothers. While still a good man, he somewhere lost the ability to be a good mentor, father or brother to me or anyone -as his energy was expended in futile attempts to bring peace to the home and calm his demeaning bi-polar wife. By his actions i knew he loved us, yet he remained a man of few words and emotionally distant through to his final days.
As i grew older, i began to believe the only person i could rely on was myself, and even that felt precarious at times. Yet my desire and need for a true bother never faded. My forays into friendships most always disappointed me, despite my attempts to be such a brother to others. Loyalty and trust -core to a brotherly relationship, kept being broken time and again. These "brothers" whom i shared the depths of my heart with, at the time of my greatest need simply abandoned me, or worse yet went for my jugular for their own personal gain.
I think of my "pastor and missionary brothers" (all with the exception of one, who passed suddenly) who have been terribly superficial in their advice and support. Some sincerely listened to my passion and pain, though with a blank look which clearly exposed their lack of understanding. Others saw my weakness a way of lifting their own insecure selves above me, or as a tool for some other kind of selfish gain.
Oh yes, I've had plenty of "brothers" quick to instruct me of where i've gone wrong or what i should do, without ever seeking to understand where i have come from. There are also those who are always ready to lend a temporary hand -so long as the relationship doesn't require an intimately listening ear or emotional investment of any kind. It's been hard to find any who would stand beside me through tough trials or walk through the deepest valleys together with me.
Yes, there have also been generous "brothers" who provided me with shelter in my time of deepest need -yet who remained totally oblivious to my cry of desperation as my life and future hung by a thread. I think of the pastor who gave me a blank stare, less than an hour after i stared into the abyss from top of a tall bridge.
I think of the "brothers" who sold me out as the brothers of Joseph did, after he in his technicolour coat had shared his visions. Many of the visions i've shared have been stolen or destroyed by those i once called brothers. Yet the story of Joseph gave me some inspiration and hope for a redeemed future.
And then there was my good friend whom we shared sweet fellowship with, supported one another financially, emotionally and in prayer, whom i stood by though his bankruptcy recovery and the restoration of his marriage. We shared visions, plans and unadultured trust for years, as we unwaveringly supported one another through both personal and business growth. Yet this brother whom i had always counted on, abandoned me in his newfound financial abundance -while still indebted to me, as i suffocated under the onslaught of severe financial and emotional setbacks.
The love of money does funny things to people, quite tragic actually when the deepest relationships are undermined by greed. No, i don't harbour bitterness, though forgiveness of some took quite a bit of time as i recovered from repetitive blows. I now actually feel sorry for those who have sold true brothership for selfish gain. Yet i still struggle with the aftermath of these "brothers" who have left me feeling used and unwanted, or only wanted to be used -which simply exasperated the deep wound from my youth i desperately tried to overcome.
By God's grace i'm still here, as He's blessed me the most wonderfully compassionate and understanding wife -who literally saved my life. Yet i'm still missing that one brother, as every man needs whom they can adventure though life with, a brother in whom one can have unwavering trust and depend on always. It all ties in to my lifelong passion to support others in need, helping them overcome, and succeed in life. God knows i've tried to be that true brother to others -despite all the wounds and setbacks i've struggled with.
Yes, despite the pain and disappointment i'm still seeking that true friend as David had in Jonathan, the one who would truly stick closer than a brother. Someone to share visions and dreams with, make plans and challenge one another, with whom i could confidently climb to mountaintops and through valleys of this adventure called life.
