Three years of blogging

It's been three years since i started this blog and i'm amazed i'm still at it. Those of you who a journeyed with me know some of the questions and struggles i have wrestled with, as well as some of the encouragements and lessons i've shared along the way.

Today as i think about what I've learned over the past three years, i wonder how much i have really grown. Can it somehow be measured? I can measure the months and days, i can measure the distance i've travelled (sometimes seemingly in circles), i can even measure it financially, but i can't find an appropriate gauge to measure my growth in wisdom and spirituality. And trying to measure myself against someone else is a distorted deception at best. As i seek to measure my growth, it sometimes feels the glass is more empty than full, the tank has much less fuel than when i began. With each passing day I realize there's so much more that i haven't understood or comprehended about life.

As we journey, some choose to sprint across the surface of life, while others choose to walk a slower and deeper path contemplating each step along the way. Do we choose between distance and depth? Can we achieve both? And should we try to achieve either of these?

I think we agree that a fast pace isn't the key to life. But maybe the distance and depth shouldn't be our focus either. Perhaps our goal shouldn't be finding ways to grow, but just to live LIFE as God intended! A life of simple discovery, a life of love, a life of caring, a life of sharing, a life of simply learning to LOVE LIFE itself! With all our introspection that's something we so easily forget to do. We become focused on our journey's distance or depth, looking for ways to measure our growth rather than living LIFE as it is.

If you had a chance to live your life again what would you focus on? Would you work and labour more? And if so, for what goal? Or would you climb a few more mountains, discover a few more places, find more ways to express your feelings and love towards others, or perhaps help a few more needy souls? And just how much time would you choose to spend measuring your own growth? It's a profound thought, as we in our introspection study books on topics like a purpose driven life, a deeper walk, reaching higher goals, and going the distance. All good for guidance, but is this what life's really about?

Three years from now, i hope you don’t find me measuring my own growth. There’s really no adequate model or scale, and no matter how we measure ourselves we will always come short. I pray that i could look back in three years and see that i have lived life exploring, loving, sharing, caring, giving, and that i’ve learned to live LIFE more in grace and not under the rule of some measuring stick.

Meaning of Dreams

being edited...

Shaken, not stirred...

I don’t drink Martinis but the words ‘shaken, not stirred' resonated with me last night, especially after running into an old acquaintance at a party, someone i once considered a trusted friend.

Three years have passed since this ‘friend’ intentionally abused my trust for his own personal gain. It was at a time when i was being crushed from many sides, by business partners and in my personal life. He was well aware of my struggles, for at times i had confided in him. As i struggled to find equilibrium to my financial and physical health,  i offered him an incredibly favorable deal to take over my share of a very viable business.

Within months he had violated our agreement, just after the business had completed a very profitable deal. He claimed the deal was not profitable, and he won’t be able to pay me as agreed. I asked him to show financial statements to see where the revenue has disappeared to, yet he refused to show key statements to me. We found ourselves in a stalemate, where he finally began to threaten driving the company into bankruptcy if i don’t agree to cut the debt he owed me.

My options included starting a criminal investigation and filing a civil suit which would take years to resolve, putting the future of the business and jobs of several employees in jeopardy. With my health in peril from being overstressed, and desperately short of cash, i decided instead to write off most of my investment and sell off his debt loosing 3/4 of what he owed me. A very painful blow, not only to my finances but to the trust i had once placed in a friend.

Over the following months i resolved to let go of the hurt, pain and bitterness that had enveloped me. Not an easy process, i must admit. As i struggled to put some of the pieces of my life together, i was constantly reminded of how he abused my trust at my most vulnerable time. Healing didn’t come easy, and forgiveness at first seemed like hollow words. Yet something stirred me towards forgiveness. Compassion, not of my own but from an eternal perspective. I slowly started to feel really sorry for this guy. Why? One verse found in Matthew 16:26 stirred me: 'What does it profit a man to gain the whole world, but loose his soul?’ What a great loss for this man, he’s much worse off than me! I’ve since prayed that he would find the error of his ways and come to true repentance.

The compassion that stirred my heart helped bring focus, at least it did until last night. Yesterday, rather than being stirred, i was shaken by reminders of what he had done. The pain of betrayal, the pain of mistrust, the pain of abuse felt as real yesterday as it did three years ago. I wisely kept my emotions at bay throughout the evening. There were moments i felt like exposing the fraudulent ways of this man, yet i didn’t. This was not the time or place. Nor was it for me to do, as i had committed all this to God’s hands long ago.

I took a long walk after the party last night, wondering why i had been shaken, not stirred. Has forgiveness not been complete? Has my forgiveness not been sincere? Is there any desire for revenge? No, though i’ve had many opportunities to expose him and make his life difficult, i’ve chosen not to, rather looking for grace that might bring healing to him. Yet what made it so difficult to see him yesterday? Is it that God hasn’t served justice? Maybe, yet even more the question why he still hasn’t come around to an understanding of his ways and repentance?

During my long walk i concluded that some wounds just take longer to heal, especially deep wounds that cut into the human heart. It’s not at all about money, though his actions have left me and others financially reeling. It’s not about hatred either, since i actually do feel sorry for the guy.

Sometimes healing comes slowly. Seeing him yesterday felt like a scab abruptly torn off to expose my stinging flesh. Yet under this scab i actually discovered the wound had partly healed and become much smaller. Fortunately smaller wounds do heal much faster. And thankfully today I no longer feel shaken, but stirred to compassion once again.