Cardboard friendship

There's a saying in Estonian 'A house built of cardboard doesn't last'. Seems like a logical saying, since cardboard is not the the best material to withstand wind or rain.

Cardboard ('papp') is also an Estonian slang term for money or cash. This of course adds an interesting twist to this saying. Sure, money is often needed buy materials to build a house, but you certainly don't build the house out of cash itself.

I've often wondered how much this 'cardboard-money' effects friendships. How many friendships are built on a currency that continually looses value (in Estonian cash is appropriately called 'sularaha' or 'melting money'). Cash is just paper we put a value to. Not a strong material for building, is it?

A few days ago, a 'friend' sent me an email where he expressed his disappointment and anger relating to one of his investments going sour. I personally had no ties or financial interest in his investment, though as an act of friendship i initially helped him negotiate the deal, and later tried to help in resolving his dilemma. The situation's dragged on, he's understandably not happy with the situation, but now he's demanding i do something about it as if i'm responsible.

After reading his threatening demand, another old saying came to mind: 'No good deed shall go unpunished'. How often do we hold people hostage who have tried to help us? If someone has helped  us along our journey, is it our right to demand that person help us again in the future? Or should we be thankful, and consider it a privilege to have such good and helpful friends in our lives. Building a relationship on selfish rights or demands is building with cardboard. It just does not last.

Money has destroyed many friendships. The scripture says money is the root of all evil. It's true, one should keep away from those who are corrupt in their ways, for they can steal and destroy others for personal gain. So when unexpected financial turmoil erodes a friendship, i begin to question what the friendship was built with?

Flimsy cardboard just won't last, but a solidly built friendship stands the tests of time.

Humbly stubborn

Into each of our lives comes heartache, perhaps a rough blow to the soul. Mostly these heartaches pass, through a period of mourning, with hope in God and the restoring support of family and friends we get over it in time. Yet some along their journeys come across an unresolvable heartache, perhaps one or more debilitating events that seem so unfair, unbearable, and even unconsolable.

Job had more than a few of these blows. How did he respond after he had lost his home, wealth, and family? In his mourning he questioned why these things had happened, but from God there was no reply. Friends who came to console him, for days said nothing as they tried to comprehend the magnitude of Job's pain and loss. Only then they began to share their theories and advice...

There was much truth in what Job's well meaning friends said, though none of that advice applied to Job's situation. Job was seeking to find answers, find the truth behind his affliction. In the midst of his heartache, was he able to find the answers and purpose he so sought? Was he even capable of move on with his life until these issues were addressed?

Job sat in the dust. In deep depression and apathy he questioned the purpose of his life. In his pain he states that it would have been better if he were a stillborn, never too see life at all. Is this be the speech of a man with hope? Was he above his circumstances or did he succumb to his circumstances?

Job was humbled beyond what most of us would ever experience along our journey. Yet he was defiantly stubborn, not by waving his fist at God in his self righteousness, but by wresting with understanding and finding a purpose to his fate. Job was crying out for hope, which had been dashed in his life. A deeper heartache is hard to find.

In his wrestling did he resolve the critical 'why' question? Did he find new hope? Though God did eventually address him, all questions may have not been resolved. But one word from God, His address gave Job hope to move on. And as he did, his life was blessed again.

What are the struggles we wrestle with? Do we have a right to stubbornly seek an answer or resolution to our heartache? Or should we humbly accept our fate without resolution? Ignoring the pain and pulling ourselves up by our own bootstraps? Many ignore the pain, and march on as a good soldier in battle, which eventually can lead to a callused heart.

Every person needs resolution to heartache, and if needed to stubbornly seek it, for without resolution true hope cannot be restored. The resolution need not be an answer to our 'why' question, but an understanding of God's will and sovereignty within our pain. As with Job, we should never stop acknowledging who God is, but in humble stubbornness seek resolution to our heartache, which in turn can bring restoration of hope, regardless how painful the process may be.

Friend consumption

Consumption. The world seems to be driven by it. The basics; shelter, food and clothing are universal and elementary needs. But it's our wants that really drives consumption, be it for designer clothes, fancy cars, luxurious houses, things that are clearly beyond our basic needs. We seek to 'improve' our lives with selfish acquisitions of goods and services.

Friendship.. we all need friends. But how do we define friendship? Is it by the same principles and values we base our consumption on? Is a friend only to meet my needs, wants and desires? How is it we evaluate our friends? How do we define friendship? Do look to friends to meet our needs be it material or emotional, or do we enjoy friendship on a mutual journey of discovery?

TW Manson has stated:
"Love does not begin by
defining its objects,..
it discovers them." 


True, friendship should indeed have an element of love. The scriptures say that without love, any deed we do is dead. Without love, without a heartfelt interest in a friend's wellbeing, we're just friend consumers, seeking what our 'friend' can do for me. So easily it becomes not a journey of mutual discovery, but a treasure hunt of personal gain. Our friends are those whom we can consume.

In Estonia there's a saying: 'An estonian's favourite dish is another estonian.' Sadly, this statement is so often true in many places, not only Estonia. Friendships based on consumption are doomed from the start. On the rare occasion where mutual benefit can be found, these 'friendships' may flourish for a time, but as soon as one party looses their benefit (or saps empty the other) the friendship quickly dissolves...

Love is the basis for true friendship. The love of a brother or a friend builds and strengthens relationships. Friends like these are hard to find. So where does one begin:..?

Perhaps by being a non-consuming friend, though this does make us painfully vulnerable. I know this all too well. Wisdom is needed to make the right choices, selection of friends. A friend who often reminds you that he's a friend may be suspect. A true friend does not need to remind or assure us of his friendship with words. His friendship should be apparent from his interest and actions, not words.

True friendship is actually a path of discovery. Time, openness and acceptance are three keys.  A true friend does not try to change a friend for his purposes, but seeks to find a deeper purpose to grow the relationship, not as an asset but as an endless journey of discovery. For a friendship based on discovery will never cease to grow.