Trust and friendship

Trust is an undivisable part of all our life relationships. Whether it's friends, family or business partners, trust remains the prime pillar that holds us together. Trust can been damaged and then restored as i have thankfully experienced on several occasions. It always begins with forgiveness and grace, which sometimes can can be quite difficult in itself. I'm thankful for my friends and family who have had the grace to forgive my inappropriate words and actions time and time again. But forgiveness and grace is only one side of the trust equation. While forgiving another is liberating, grace and forgiveness can only be fully imparted when there is an act of repentance by the one who broke the trust relationship. This is often the more difficult side of the equation, as it requires an sincere act of humility.

At times we all stumble and make foolish selfish decisions, that undermine other's trust in us. Mostly we come to our own senses, and have the wisdom and humility to repent of our ways. The danger is when our pride and selfishness overpower our ability to be humble and repent. An unrepentant heart becomes cold, callous and manitulative, looking only for the the good and profit of oneself. An unrepentant heart will quickly destroy pillars of trust, for personal gain. Friendships are no longer true, but become tools to fulfil our own desires and needs. Friends are used for nothing more than personal gain.

I have experienced too many 'friendships' like this. Friends whom i have trusted have abused my trust for their own profit. A parasitic additude, to reap benefits where they have not earned it, to live off the hard earnings of others. Unfortunately this additude is starting to prevail more and more in today's society. It's made it so difficult to trust new friends and business partners. So how does one choose relationships? And how does one end relationships that are parasitic?

There are many scriptures that describe friendship. Proverbs 27:5-6 gives a clear picture of a true friend vs a pseudo-friend:

"Better is open rebuke than hidden love.
Wounds from a friend can be trusted,
but an enemy multiplies kisses." (NAS)

This scripture implies that a friend that constantly says nice words and compliments us, is not friend but an enemy. Oh, how painful and true this is. Recently I have become more suspicious of people who adress me not by my name, but the word 'friend'. It's as if they need to reaffirm their relationship with me, though their understanding of the term 'friend' is far from it's true meaning.

A true friend is honest, and doesn't maintain the friendship with just flattering words. A true friend can be brutally honest, repremand and 'wound' us, not for their own gain but for our good. A friend is not consumed by his own intrest and agenda, but has a sincere desire to help and to heal. To quote one of my facebook friends; 'A person wrapped up only in himself makes a very small package'

A true friend wraps himself into the lives and intrests of his friends, not so much in himself. I think a great example of this is David and Jonathan, as Jonathan looked out for the wellbeing of his friend David, who was being unrightfully hunted by King Saul. Through adversity David and Jonathan's friendship became closer than a brother's.

'A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for adversity' Psalm 17:17

A true friend can be trusted, even in difficult times. A friend, brother or business partner who may seem faithful and honest in good times, may change his face in times of adversity. Real trust is built or broken in times of adversity. It is then when you recognise the 'kissing enemy', he is the one who uses, abuses and abandons you at the hour of your greatest need.

So be wary of the 'many kisses of a friend'. Although their words may be appealing, the one who confronts us with hard truth may be our true friend. He is the one who can be trusted and will stand by our side even when the cost is high for themselves. I'm so thankful for the 'Jonathans' in my life, friends who remain faithful and true, even in the deepest darkest hour.

Lost and replaced

I've lost alot of things lately. Last week i lost the keys to my garage and mailbox. I've also lost some important documents i need to wind down my old business. Looking for these things has been a frustrating. Many of the things i've lost over the years i've forgotten about, others i still wonder if i might find one day again.

Looking for lost things (especially when we can't find them immediately) takes alot of patience. With today's busy lifestyles we seem to lack time to look, so we often give up and simply find a replacement for what we have lost. Like a lost can opener, we just go and buy another one. Suddendly we may find two or three can openers in our kitchen drawer as they re-appear.

Some things can't be replaced as easily as a can opener. Some things are just so much more important to us. Letters, photos, items with sentimental value are irreplaceable to us. Important things motivate us to search even more, like when loosing our wallet. Yet even these things, just like digital photos we so easily delete, have become less valued and more disposable.

So why did Jesus tell us the parable of the lost coin? Here's this lady who's lost a coin, searches and searches until she has found it. To me, a coin seems like something that is replacable, even if the coin might be worth a month's wage. Loosing a large amount of money would motivate most any of us to search for it, but i think there's another message hidden in this parable.

God never created life for it to be disposable. Every good thing that is given to us has a value. Perhaps i should rephrase that and say every good thing given to us is valuable.

The parable of the lost sheep might give us a better insight. This shepperd valued his sheep, every one. He left 99 to look for one he had lost. It may seem to us as a foolish risk and waste of time, but in addition to finding what was lost, perhaps it's also a lesson in the importance of seeking.

A hundred years ago, a can opener wasn't as easily replaced as today. Two hundred years ago, a hammer may have been more irreplacable than a computer today. These days in our consumer society, things are so easily replaced that we seem to have lost the art of seeking. Be it keys, coins, photos and friendships, are we seeking what we've lost? Or do we have a disposal mentality that stops seeking, finding it easier to replace what we have lost?

Lift me up, brick by brick

This past week has been hard. For many reasons, each June i tend to feel a bit down, but this year has been more difficult than most. Perhaps the rainy weather has something to do with it, or the disapointing visit with an old friend last Tuesday, or all the other problems i've faced, something has saddened me deep within.

As i approach each birthday, i give myself a tough assessment of where i'm at in life. I know this habit comes from my upbringing, as i tend to be very hard on myself, critical of the things i could and should have done differently along the way. How often i wish i could turn back time to redo things, but i can't...

Mistakes are interesting things, we tend to repeat them. None of us want to, but sometimes we just don't learn so quickly. As i repeat my mistakes, i keep kicking myself and kicking myself until i'm so bruised and tired i can barely move. Has this 'discipline' helped me? Do i need to be reminded of my failures? Am i more motivated after the beating, or do i crawl back into my shell?

This past weekend i was a shell-dweller, didn't want to celebrate or see anyone. Since i don't like being pitied, i've drawn a happy face :) on my shell for others to see. Many friends sent nice but superficial birthday greetings, others were more heartfelt wishes that brought me a smile. One friend even invited me out, since i had no other plans made.

I reluctantly agreed, but with a warning that i'd be lousy company. Regardless how down and critical i felt about myself, this dear friend would keep finding something positive to say about me. Not just words to cheer me up, but genuine positive attributes that i had forgotten long ago. These words lifted me, and seemingly lightened my load.

Trying to lift me these days is like trying to lift a ton of bricks. As we walked, I suddenly realised that each positive word was lifting one brick from my heavy load. I certainly wasn't floating in the air the next day, but the load seemed much lighter.

Our words are like bricks. Some add bricks, others remove them. It's also much easier to lift a brick from someone else's back, than to lift one from our own. Rarely can we lift the entire weight, but with a good word we can lighten someone's load,.. brick by brick.

The price of friendship

I visited an old friend today, one of my trusted friends 5 years ago, a friendship with a history of over 13 years. It was good to see him again, and the visit gave me a mixed feeling of gladness that he is doing well. We had dinner, sauna and long talk into the evening, and although we both acted very positive i felt there was an invisible wall, a familiar warm connection was missing.

I departed a bit unsettled, wondering what barrier is between us? I speculated that it may be due to an old business venture that didn't go well, or his old unfilled promise to repay a debt, or perhaps my own envy that he is doing financially well while i am struggling. Perhaps a sense of disapointment in him or perhaps even in God. At first the answer seems deeply hidden almost like i need to search far within to find the real answer.

Our perception of things is not always clear. I thought perhaps i don't see how things really are, as i felt old wounds were being stirred. Though i consider myself a giving and forgiving person, there are some lines when crossed that can change friendships forever. Forgiveness comes much easier than (re)building friendship and trust.

Trust neeeds a foundation. I've blindly trusted many 'good christians' only to find myself robbed and stripped clean. Clear violations of trust must be dealt with accordingly. But when a friend whom i have had a solid relationship with, leaves a promised debt unpaid believing 'it's just water under the bridge after all these years'. What he is actually standing on is a dam in our friendship, not a bridge of restoration.

The main issue isn't at the money, it's the principle of a promise. Had he asked for the debt to be erased, it would be different and i may have obliged. But to just write it off without asking, is in effect writing off the friendship. And a lost friendship hurts a hundred times more than any amount of money.

Friendships do have a cost. In the scriptures, Paul admonishes us to count the cost of what we do, building a tower, be it a house, business or empire. What are we building with? Are we building with our friends to take joy in it together, or are we using 'friends' as tools and assets in our hands? So how do you answer this question one popular song presents: 'what are friends for?' It seems we often value what 'friends' can give us more than who they are. As much as i would like for this friendship to be restored, he needs to consider how he values our friendship and consider the cost of his tower.

Don't get me wrong, i'm not asking cash for friendship. It only takes an honorable act of humbleness that leads to restoration. Forgiveness is easier, trust and restoration takes an act.

hypocrisy vs honesty

"Hypocrisy desires to seem good rather than to be so; honesty desires to be good rather than seem so." - Arthur Warwick

Have a nice day, unless you already have other plans

I'm re-posting a story a friend sent on my e-mail this weekend. The additide we start our day with makes such a difference in how we effect our day and influence others...

A 92-year-old, petite, well-poised and proud man, who is fully dressed each morning by eight o'clock, with his hair fashionably combed and shaved perfectly, even though he is legally blind, moved to a nursing home today.

His wife of 70 years recently passed away, making the move necessary. After hours of waiting patiently in the lobby of the nursing home, he smiled sweetly when told his room was ready.
As he maneuvered his walker to the elevator, I provided a visual description of his tiny room, including the eyelet sheets that had been hung on his window.

'I love it,' he stated with the enthusiasm of an eight-year-old having just been presented with a new puppy.

'Mr. Jones, you haven't seen the room; just wait..'

'That doesn't have anything to do with it,' he replied. 'Happiness is something you decide on ahead of time. Whether I like my room or not doesn't depend on how the furniture is arranged .. it's how I arrange my mind. I already decided to love it.

It's a decision I make every morning when I wake up. I have a choice; I can spend the day in bed recounting the difficulty I have with the parts of my body that no longer work, or get out of bed and be thankful for the ones that do. Each day is a gift, and as long as my eyes open, I'll focus on the new day and all the happy memories I've stored away.. Just for this time in my life..

Old age is like a bank account. You withdraw from what you've put in. So, my advice to you would be to deposit a lot of happiness in the bank account of memories! Thank you for your part in filling my Memory Bank.

Remember the five simple rules to be happy:
1. Free your heart from hatred.
2. Free your mind from worries.
3. Live simply.
4. Give more.
5. Expect less.

Have a nice day, unless you already have other plans.

Up the creek with 55 paddles

This past weekend i had the priveledge of taking a group of kids on a 6 hour canoe ride. These kids came from a church shelter, most with abusive and dysfunctional homes. An interesting group to say the least.