Critical Thinking

How recently have you dialed a phone number from memory? Would you remember the phone numbers of critical people in you life, your parents, spouse or kids -if you ever lost your "smart" phone?

When was the last time you analysed and mapped out a route to your destination using a map instead of relying on GPS to get you there? Do you even remember how to read a map properly?

How frequently do you do mathematical exercises with your mind rather than relying on calculators, phones or computers to do the calculations for you? Is your mind as capable of calculating as it once was?

And how much do you actually remember of your Googled answers compared to in-depth research you may have done over time? Have instant answers diminished your capacity for critical analysis?

Most of us can clearly remember numbers, facts, and details of journeys from our childhood, yet we can't remember what we read, or what our trajectory was from point A to B just yesterday. Are we simply more overloaded with information, or have our brains diminished in computing capability as we increasingly rely on technology? Perhaps both. And what might AI do to our ability to critically think in the future?

As our willingness or capability to critically think diminishes, we are more inclined to base our views and conclusions on what some may call "intuition", though what it often boils down to is a form of emotional gratification. Without critical analysis we tend resonate with information or views which confirm and gratify our deeply ingrained views. In extreme cases, we can become doomscrolling junkies gravitating towards affirming posts, rather than critically investigating the facts or alternative perspectives. 

In this era where there's more disinformation than information, more disparity than clarity, how is your critical thinking? And just how critical are you of your own pattern of thinking?

Who Will Win in this War?

**initially published 10/2022*

Breaking from the traditional content of my blog, in this post i will outline the pros and cons of strategies taken by Putin's Russia as well as NATO and non-NATO countries in achieving their objectives. I'm beginning to see a much larger picture develop, which i suspect most of the free world is ignoring or simply can't see. 

Over a month into the war, it's become apparent that Putin will not achieve his goal of subduing Ukraine in its entirety, though he will need to achieve something to safe face, possibly to save his position in power. i suspect he would now be content with annexing the Donbas region, in addition to his previous annexation of Crimea. This however would weaken Ukraine's strategic geographic strengths, losing access to many key shipping ports and at least two major cities. This however may not be tenable for Russia either in the long term as resistance will certainly remain. So can any winners emerge from this war? 

Russia and Ukraine are both suffering huge losses. The European union, claiming to be more united than ever is still somewhat fractured. NATO, claiming to be stronger than ever, has moved more defence forces and equipment to its eastern flank, the opposite of what Putin wished to achieve. Is this a "win" for NATO? Hardly, as it increases costs, and the danger of escalation, at the very least its a new and deeper cold war. 

Already struggling supply chains are increasingly crippling businesses throughout the world, from the inability to source goods from a war torn country to sanctions on anyone doing business in or with Russia. Western companies like Renault Daimler and Volkswagen are having to make painful decisions on whether to continue doing business in Russia or not. I suspect the sanctions may be causing more harm to western businesses than Russia itself. In a tit for tat move, the banning of russian media outlets in Europe, and the banning of western news in Russia hasn't helped improve any narrative towards peace.

Unrewarded Efforts

Ever feel like your effort has been unrewarding, or worse yet, unacknowledged? What if this was a pattern in your life? The self-esteem of children, who's efforts remain unacknowledged or unrewarded, be it in studies or in simply pleasing their parents, rarely find the motivation to accomplish anything in their youth, much less later in life. Praise and acknowledgement of small successes can lead to more success, while a lack of acknowledgement can sap what little motivation a child may have to accomplish something, or worse yet, cause them to rebel and prove they can accomplish something -good or bad, just to gain the acknowledgement they have lacked in life.

My parents rarely praised me for any accomplishments. I don't know how much this was a personal choice on their part or a typical Estonian trait, though i suspect a bit of both. Estonians, i have learned, are not ones to easily encourage or praise one another. Quite the contrary, they readily look for opportunities to criticise others, if for no other reason, to bolster their own lack of self esteem. It's actually been a vicious cycle within the Estonian community for centuries, almost a part of their DNA which is very difficult to break. 

I do understand where this comes from. Centuries of occupation has produced a slave mentality which is not easily broken. In the late 90's I suggested Estonia should increase targeted immigration (similar to what Singapore was doing), mostly to support economic growth and counter declining population trends. This idea was quickly shot down by would-be politicians, who argued that we need to protect our language and culture (though with a declining population, who'd eventually be left to teach our language and culture to?). Now I believe an influx of a "freer thinking" demographic would have also brought some positive change to the negative and critical Estonian mindset. 

Even schools today are not places where children find sufficient encouragement. I see this in my own children, who attend what some consider an "elite" school in the centre of Tallinn, Estonia. Not only the untenable burden of homework placed on 9-10 year olds, much of which gets assigned last minute, but the quick criticism of incomplete or poorly completed assignments sap the little motivation our kids have to study. And topics that they have mastered at home somehow get wiped from their memory in the high pressure school environment. My wife and I try to keep our boys encouraged, though we find ourselves frustrated -even oppressed, by the overwhelming performance demands and negative feedback our kids receive from their teachers. 

Of course, any attention brought to these issues usually brings a backlash from insecure teachers who have this critically negative mindset deeply ingrained within them. How can we break this mindset in our society, if it's what our children are exposed to on a daily basis? As i stated above, criticism creates one of two responses. Most become discouraged when their efforts are not rewarded, while few rise above the criticism to prove that they are better than the criticism, or at least better than the kids who crumble under it. 

Is this any way to build a society? This is exactly why more than ever, i see the need for increased immigration of positive minded people into Estonian society, starting with schools. I'm tired of constantly hearing about teacher shortages -this issue has not changed in 30 years. The world is full of teachers, maybe they are in more demand now than 20-30 years ago, but i'm sure quality teachers can be found and drawn to Estonia. However, there needs to be change. I believe half of the curriculum should be taught in English. 

English immersion across all schools would free up Estonian teachers to teach in schools which only now are converting from Russian to Estonian. In addition, the impact of English immersion in predominantly Russian speaking areas will both help expose youth to international media and a western perspective, as well as equip the country to better compete in drawing international investment (as it did in Singapore). 

Yet we as Estonians remain stuck in our ways, consuming ourselves with our negative and critical mindset. A slave mentality, which we have not succeeded in breaking - not even after 33 years of what many of us, unfortunately, have not understood freedom to be. Freedom to encourage and praise each others' efforts, and not to criticise and belittle one another just to feed our deeply ingrained insecurities.

Performance trap

Saturday i accompanied my wife to a Sunday school reunion. There were many people i didn't know, some i was acquainted with, and others whom I've worked with in ministry or been close friends with years ago. 

A couple of these old acquaintances threw me a bit off, by the way they greeted me. One, whom with close to 30 years ago shared our hearts with one another, gave a superficial greeting, not even asking how i'm doing or how life has been. The last time we sat down and talked was about 5 years ago, but not about anything personal, but what was for him a possible business opportunity -which i turned down for multiple reasons. I don't know if he's become more superficial over the years, or taking a more judgemental view of others from what i perceive perhaps to be his broken vantage point.

The other fellow, whom i expected to be more personal in his approach to greeting me, never asked "how are you doing", but proceeded to ask "What are you doing these days?". It was immediately clear that he was assessing and valuing me by my performance and achievements, without taking any interest in how i am doing. I felt immediately uncomfortable with his questions, understanding which school of thinking has influenced his views and vantage points. I shared a sliver of what I've been doing but shared more on family, but then I asked how he is doing -to which he answered "fine". Our conversation quickly ended with that. He later shared with the larger group his achievements, without even mentioning his family or anything truly personal about his life.

Then a third fellow, who gave me the first taste of corrupt Estonian business culture some 20+ years ago -to date unresolved, greeted me very briefly, we exchanged hellos and that's about it. However, in the larger group he shared from his heart, about his recollections of Sunday school, indiscretions of his youth and even offered an apology for some of his childhood antics. At the end he struck me as being more sincere than these other two fellows who seemed to display themselves as more ambitious and perhaps more righteous.

I don't want to judge, I'm the last to be qualified to do that, but it all caused me to think of what we value most in this life. One speaks what is in one's heart. One's heart is where their treasure is. So what these people said, spoke a lot about their hearts.

I'm not saying we shouldn't work hard, achieve and perform. Of course it's a necessary part of life.  But what is it that our heart is focused on? What are the words we greet others with? Are we more interested in hearing about achievements rather than hearing about the individual, his heart, his vision, his troubles, his concerns. Do we avoid heart topics with others - or worse ourselves, by hiding behind the performance trap?

MindSet or Mind un-Set

It's been a while since i've posted here, last time over a 18 months ago. Life has been busy. Life has also been quite unsettling, stressful and frustrating, particularly over the past three months. Not going to divulge all the personal stress i've endured, but perhaps look more at social stress the community surrounding me creates and endures under itself. A lot, though not all stress is our own doing, some is certainly due to surrounding circusmtances, but also a by-product of the state of our mind in how we respond and resolve critical issues.

MindSet. It's an interesting word. A noun describing an established set of attitudes held by an individual or group of people. It's another word for mentality, though the word "mindset" seems more definitive in nature.

It's also a compound word. Mind + Set.

"Mind" is the part of a person which enables them to be aware of the world around them, to think, feel and most importantly gives one the ability to reason. In Isaiah 1:18 the prophet relays the following message from God: "Come let us reason together". Reasoning seems to be more of challenge to delve deeper in thought rather than simply think within the limiting framework of our knowledge and experience.

"Set" can mean adjusting "setting a watch to the correct time", or "setting" something in a specific place, or even hardening or "setting" of liquid to solid. Each meaning of the word "set" is defined by a concrete action resulting in a relatively unchanging or immovable state. It can be defined in both positive and negative contexts.

So what "MindSet" should we have, or do our minds need to be "un-Set" to properly reason, as God calls us to? We all have gathered knowledge and experiences which form our opinions and views. Can any of us really think with an open mind? Can we truly reason? Human nature is interesting in the fact that we generally want confidence and security in what we believe, so our minds tend to gather information which confirm our beliefs rather than upset them. This is called "selective thinking", and we all do it to a certain degree. We like to think of ourselves of having an open mind, but the reality of our thinking is often skewed by our own mindset. Yes, all our minds have been "set" to one degree or another.

Yesterday i spent several hours online debating economics and monetary policy with a friend who has a different "mindset" to mine on this topic. He seems to think a specific cryptocurrency will solve most the world's economic problems, while i have some serious doubts. In our discussions i like to believe i have a more open and broader mindset, but this might not be true. Just like him, i base much of my views and arguments on my personal knowledge and experience. Our knowledge base is not all that different but our experiences have been drastically different, and this skews our respective views. As we both tried to "reason" with one another, clear differences in our views remain.

Politics often plays games with the mindset of the public. Embedding ideas while systematically confirming these ideas through various channels can create mindsets not capable of reasoning. Authoritarian leaders have used this "mind setting" strategy for centuries to gain power and retain power. It doesn't matter what the narrative is, as long as it is serving the authoritarian power. People who reason are shot down, both figuratively as well as literally. Reasoning is not encouraged much in politics, even when politiciions encourage people to "think", what they are really doing is "setting up" what the public should think to serve their purposes.

I see a similar "mindset" danger in my kids. They get an idea in their head from who knows where, that they can't do something, or that they must do something, then they gather information which confirms what they believe rather than thinking and reasoning things out. They are not stupid, just don't know how to adequately reason yet. If there's something i want to impart to my kids, it is the ability to reason and not just think within the limits of their current information and understanding. It is the basis for growth and gaining new knowledge about life as well as oneself.

So how does one "un-Set" the mind, to be more capable of learning and reasoning. This is also critical for dealing with crisis, that befalls most every one of us at some point in our lives. It's certainly easier said than done. Our knowledge and experiences directly impact our responses both in discussions/debates, as well as in times of crisis. It takes a very conscious effort, to be aware of the information or experiences which have set our minds to think in a certain way, and challenging that mindset. What is the basis of what i believe? Is there another vantage point i have not considered? What would i believe if my experience was different? How do ideas and concepts instilled in me from childhood on effect my views, decisions, and responses?

"Un-Setting" the mind is not easy or comfortable. There are thought patterns or "ruts" embedded in our minds which we easily fall back into. Yet the challenge was presented to us thousands of years ago: "Come let us reason together". It's not only the best approach to honestly address and clear sin from our lives, but to develop our thinking and reasoning abilities. Let's "un-Set" our minds and learn how to reason.

Emotional Abandonment

The womb is an interesting place, at least i imagine it was within the almost 9 months after i was conceived. Warm, damp and oddly soothing. A secure space, well protected from the muffled noises i can hear from outside these soft walls. Alone, yet not isolated, I am mysteriously connected with the being who is carrying me. In mostly flowing and gentle movements we make our way together. Like being in the stomach of a whale (no offence to the being carrying me), we seem to be floating in a sea which only i cannot see. Though i cannot see, i most certainly can feel all the emotions of this being. Love, joy, surprise, worry and concern. I have no idea of the source of these feelings, though i sense that i'm central to it all. 

Days flow into weeks and weeks into months, my entire soul is becoming more integrately woven together with this mysterious and amazing being. It seems this being is giving me life! As connected as we are, i sense something is missing, though i can't quite put my tiny developing finger on it yet. It's so strange, the more attached i become to this life giving being the more detached i start to feel. At times i feel that i am loved, at other times i feel like i'm unwelcome here, perhaps even unwanted. I sense love, fear and rejection, all combined into one. What is the source of these strange feelings? Are these simply fleeting thoughts creating needless doubt in my mind? Or is there something more to it? 

This secure space is beginning to feel less secure. Though it's physically comfortable and seems to sustain me, i sense i need to escape from the bombardment of confusing emotions seeping through these walls. Yet i'm trapped, there's no escaping, as these emotions continue to be woven into my tiny developing soul. Who exactly am I? And who's am I? Why am I even here? Why was I even created? Little did i realize, these questions may take a lifetime to answer. 

 To be continued..

Blessed, or Not...

The phrase "I'm Blessed" has become a widespread tagline for so many in this day and age. No longer restricted to Christian or religious circles, modern culture seems to use it to express forms of personal success, be it related to family or wealth, as such perhaps best enveloped with the term "prosperity". Yes, most people equate blessing with prosperity. While i understand what it means to prosper, i've always struggled with the true definition of being "blessed". What does a blessing entail? 

The scripture gives many examples of people being blessed, even a case of stealing a blessing as Jacob did from his brother Esau. Yet the blessing of Jacob didn't mean he prospered immediatly, in fact for a time he was on the run and cheated out of some of his greatest desires. Yet David and Solomon seemed to be "blessed", or was they possessed not a blessing but simply display their prosperity? Statements of "being blessed" often bring me to consider the story of Job. Was he blessed or not? Reading the first part of the story, this guy was prosperous and then suddenly he lost everything. I would view this as a loss of his properity, not blessing. But was he at all blessed before, during and after his loss? Can and should a "blessed" person lose everything dear to him? Can losing one's prosperity equate with losing one's blessing? And in receiving double after his losses really a blessing, or is it simply compensation for the pain he endured? 

I've said i'm blessed when things go well, be it personal, health, family, work, finances, etc. So when things don't go well, i start to wonder what happened to my blessing, and whether i've been cursed instead. Job cursed the day he was born after he lost everything. I have to admit that i've done the same in the darkest moments of my life. Yet time goes by, things get better, and i start to feel "blessed" again. Can blessing really come and go? And how much of this blessing is dependant on us? Bad things happen to good people, no one can deny that. 

Yes, we look for reasons or causes of misfortune, we like to lay blame on actions or perhaps even our own thought patterns. While the mind is powerful in guiding our trajectory, it cannot be blamed for things that happen which are outside our control. The great hymn "It is well with my soul" written by Horratio Spafford perhaps gives a clue to what true blessing is. He had lost his son and four daughters in seperate tragic events, in addition to losing much of his wealth and assets through economic hardships and the Chicago fire. He then writes "it is well with my soul". He goes on to write about a "blessed hope and rest". How many of us could say or write such words after such great losses? 

 Jesus also speaks to who's blessed in his sermon on the mount. Blessed are.. the poor in spirit, those who mourn, the meek, those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, the merciful, the pure, the peacemakers, those who are persecuted. None of these terms have any relationshp to the term "prosperity" which we so often equate to blessings. I'm starting to sense that none of us really understand what being blessed actually means.

WAR of Bombs and Words

Two days after my last post, Putin invades Ukraine. Very few believed he'd actually do it. He himself denied he would do it. A "Special military operation" he calls it. The free world has responded, this time the slap on the wrist has been harder and repetitive, but sanctions are still a slap on the wrist. All this while Ukraine battles for its freedom and the right to preserve democracy. Yes, the west is "assisting" Ukraine with supplies and arms, but not quite all the arms they need for a proper defence. Zelenski's pleas to close the skies has been flatly rejected. Promised MIG fighter jets offered by Poland have been stalled or blocked by NATO states fearful that Putin might take revenge and attack them. Yet NATO sends all kinds of other arms seemingly without restraint. So why doesn't NATO want Ukraine to control its own skies? The issue may be more complicated than meets my eye. Though Ukrainians' fight with a passion that puts Chuck Norris to shame, there's still the question of whether Putin's forces will succeed in subduing the Ukrainian army. If the Ukrainians would have proper air support the Russians would most certainly have not gained so much ground. But if the Russians did win, then perhaps these powerful former Polish jets would be claimed by Putin as the spoils of war. Maybe that's what's holding NATO back, perhaps they fear the jets would end up in Russian hands and used against them. So the Ukrainians are left alone to fight of an enemy which clearly has superior firepower in the air, though their ground assault seems to be taking a beating. I already wrote to some NATO leaders urging them to support Ukraine's air defence capabilites. But as hindsight is 20/20 perhaps sending the jets now would be too little too late. By rights the time to send those jets should have been days before the war started. More troubling to me is the war of words, in which NATO seems to be weak right from the start. While Putin threatens the free world with nukes, the west preempts any possibility of NATO becoming involved in the conflict. It's like saying "the door is open, go on in". Sure we threaten to sanction Russia to death, yet fail to realize Putin and most of Russia is not afraid of sanctions. Biden basically gave a carte blanche for Putin to act as he wills. This also plays deeply into how China might move on their geopolitical interests in the future. I don't know how this war will end, though i pray Ukraine will prevail as the free world steps up its tangable support in the process. But it certainly gives an eyeopening view into such varied strengths of strategies in the politics of war.

Pravda, or not...

Today marks a pivital day in history, where after almost 80 years an intentionally skewed interpretation of "truth" has brought Europe back to the brink of war. "Pravda", meaning "truth" in Russian, was also the name of Communist Russia's main media outlet, and a powerful propoganda machine for almost 70 years. After the collapse of the Soviet Union, President Yeltsin sold the "Truth" branded media outlet to Greek business interests, which triggered some confusion and trademark disputes over the following years. A modern version of "Pravda" or "truth" is being served up by Russian leaders not only to Russians but the entire world. Canted historic views are being propagated thoughout Russian media, stirring up fear and anger against Ukrainians where no fear or anger needs to exist. Why? To support the expansionist agenda of an oligargh supported tyrant. Fear is a powerful weapon, as i've written previously on this blog. And media is a powerful carrier of messages such as these. Arguably, social media has become the most powerful carrier of information in our times, systematically used and abused by groups with all kinds of agendas. The spead of information and misinformation has never been so rapid and rampant. Think of the Canadian truckers' blockades. The incredible impact social media played in expanding their cause and methods, where the blockades were even replicated in far reaching corners of the world. Whether you agree with the pretext to these blockades or not, it was extremely successful in gaining international exposure and support. I would argue the events on the Russian-Ukrainian border are a significantly deeper and graver threat to the freedoms most of us have enjoyed since the last world war. Make no mistake, how the free world reacts Russia's provocations will dictate how these tyrants will act in the future. The slap on the wrist after incursions into Georgia and annexation of Crimea have not brought any change in behaviour, simply emboldened Putin to make larger and riskier military moves. He's become a well honed strategic chess player, with Europe as his chessboard. And CHINA IS WATCHING. How the world reacts to Putin sets the stage for how the world might react to China's geopolitical moves in the future. It's the key reason China has thrown their support behind Russia, under the guise of an imminent "security threat". The free world's politicians will slap Putin's wrists again -a bit harder than before, but as painful as it might be it will remain just a slap. So what might be a better deterrant against tyrants such as Putin? And how can we expose his skewed "Pravda" to the Russian people? Back to the truckers' blockade. What if, in addition to politicians playing high stakes tit for tat with Russia, there would be a Canadian style grass roots blockade of Russian embassies in every freedom loving nation? Something of the scale that would cause the Russian people to question the "Pravda" misinformation they're beeing served. It would certainly raise the political stakes for these expansionist tyrants, while helping expose the truth behind their words and actions. Perhaps it might be a more impactful means of securing our freedoms, with a much further reaching perspective.

The Power of Love

Love is. A short statement, to some it may seem like an incomplete statement - seemingly missing a key adjective to describe it. Rather than delve into various descriptions of love, take a moment to allow Love to embrace you. No, not as a verb or action, but perehps a bit more like an individual though not quite a living being, something you recognize as being utterly powerful and capable of enveloping life itself. God spoke to Moses, Moses asked "Who shall i say has sent me?", God replied "I AM". True, God is an individual, but God also says He IS Love. I AM.. Love IS.. OK, my goal here is not to get too abstract or to confuse anyone, but have you grapple with Love and how it envelopes us, or at least should envelop us. Today as a met with a few men for our regular morning prayer, one fellow shared how he's lost the joy of life somewhere along the way. He shared how his business, which once brought joy (and profits which he donated for the completion of the church organ) has stagnated into a tiresome and mundane activity. He also expressed sadness that the wonderful organ which his work and donations -driven by the power of Love helped complete, is finding less use as time goes on. I can relate to his sense of disapointment, as I was in a similar place over 20 years ago. Love birthed a vision to establish a youth center where young people could find a place a refuge, support and help -something I lacked in my youth as i struggled under the domestic abuse in our home. I didn't want any kid to suffer what i went through -finding no understanding or support -even within the church. Love created the vision, and the vision was a powerful driving force to bring the first youth center to life (planned where several). Of course there was opposition, there were many who failed to understand not only the vision, but the powerful Love which underlied it. Over time I became tired and weary of the relational and financial setbacks, the lack of understanding and support, and what many including myself might describe as a personal "burn out". The initially popular youth center ended up being shut down less than 4 years after its birth. Not only did the vision take a huge blow, but sapped its underlying love and joy. For years it was hard for me to walk by the building which housed the youth center. The passion to build or do anything similar again was gone. My head wanted to and said i could, but my heart no longer engaged. The pain of disappointment had sapped Love's power from within me. Scripture tells us to guard our hearts above all else. I mentioned "burn out" earlier, but what exactly causes it? Why is it that some people of vision rise above setbacks and obsticals while others -despite good intentions and great efforts, fail to. Disappointment is a powerful force. My disappointment's not so much in the failure of the youth center, but in failure of others to engage and support a vision birthed by Love. It's actually heartbreaking. Perhaps here is the key to whether we "burn out" or not. We endure much more when we're surounded by people who share the passion, vision and Love -especially after we have invested and poured out all we have. So to my friend who's heart is being broken by the empty organ seat, I hear you. Instead of great sadness, our hearts would experience joy if only others would continue to carry these visions forward through the power of Love. Love IS Love.

Idiology and Fear

This pandemic has brought out the best and worst in us, the human race. Stories of kindness have been replaced more and more by news filled with protests and anger. Yes, these are precarious times we live in. So much uncertaintly has enveloped us over the past two years, raising fears to levels most of us have not seen or experienced in our lifetime. Fears relating to our health or the health of our loved ones, to fears of losing our so called rights and freedoms. Many of these fears were already primed by political turmoil and polarizaion in countries once considered to be well balanced and secure, while nations which have historically been agressors are begining to show their stripes again. True, leaders use times of great uncertainty to plot political or personal gains. Nothing new under the sun, it's always been this way throughout history. Creating fear has been a key strategy used to manipuate the masses, subtly instilling or reinforcing idiologies which are often formed against something, be it a system, people or demographic. What is idiology? It has been said that idiology is the lens through which a person views the world. It envelops a person's assumptions, expectations, beliefs and values. We as humans don't like uncertainty, particularly when it relates to our own lens through which we view the world. When something we view seems unclear, our mind seeks ways to focus our lens to create some certainty. Rather than accept the uncertainty, we oftentimes make assumptions. Assumptions are like seeds, sown into our minds by ourselves and others, mostly unchecked and often unnoticed. These assumptions create expectations for something to happen. It may be something we consider positive, though more often than not it's something which creates a sense of insecurity. Whether the expectation has a factual base at this point is often no longer relevent to the mind which has created its assumptions in the context of uncertainty and fear. Expectations turn into beliefs, which form the basis for our values. And this is where idiologies clash. When something seemingly comes against our values or beliefs, we become defensive or in extreem cases offensive. Rarely does the human mind think back and analyse the source of its assumptions and expectations when they have been entrenched in its beliefs and values. So what does the mind do? In a defensive or offensive action, it looks for evidence, regardless how weak the evidence may be, to support its values and beliefs. The greater the underlying insecurity the more active it becomes to find and create a sense of security. This often leads to forceful arguments in a mostly subconscious attempt to convince themselves while inscribing their beliefs upon others, where opposing views are not given much of any consideration. And it gives a sense of empowerment to the mind which succeeds in multiplying believers of its idiology. This is often how tyrants are born. But what if our minds were more open to accept uncertainty, to question the roots of idiologies and hold our beliefs a bit more loosely instead of clenched in our fists? I'll be the first to admit that i don't much like uncertainty. I'll also admit i've fought my share of idiologistic arguments in my earlier years, with sincere certainty my beliefs were the correct ones. With age i've learned the error of my ways, along with the errors in assumptions, expectations and beliefs which brought me there. It brought me to a place where i told my wife before we married, that i'm not certain about anything in this life. And in an odd way, my lack of certainty (outside of our love for one another) brought her a sense of security, in that i view life in a more loose and wholistic manner than within a confined or rigid idiology. Our idiologies, values and beliefs need to be examined and tested. We do a disservice to ourselves and others when we don't examine the assumptions and expectations our idiology is based on, nor give consideration to alternative views. If the assumptions and expectations are truly factual, we need not fear them being challenged or tested, as they should remain standing. However, what we need to fear are idiologies, beliefs and values -foremost in our own minds, that have been skewed by assumptions which are simply not true.

The Third Decade -the return to e

coming soon..

The Second Decade

I made critically bad choices, strategic mistakes, which impacted not only my vision, but some very dear relationships. True, i do have many regrets, mostly are rooted in listening to bad advice rather than remaining focused on the vision placed in my heart. For better or worse (as it later would become apparent), i refused to look back, focusing on new opportunities which beconed me to move ahead. A visionary is a "focused dreamer", and there was no lack of dreams within me. One of my passions in addition to the automotive sector was aviation. On each of my business flights, my mind envisioned how to run an airline more efficiently. As i observed the working of several operators, i saw an opportunity to improve upon avaiation services i had seen. to be continued..

Three Decades

October 1st, 1991. A little over 30 years ago i arrived in Estonia. As i now think about it, this important anniversary almost passed without me noticing, until i reminded about it yesterday. Thought i'd reflect a bit here, let's see how much i can fit into a nutshell. I've written large parts of my journey for limited audiences before, perhaps this will be the first time I openly blog some experiences which i've kept relatively private in the past. Of course, i'll do my best to stay as objective as possible. So i arrived in the new wild east, as Estonia had just become free from Soviet rule less than 40 days earlier. Russian border guards still at the port of entry gazed with uncertainty at the ink stamped visa in my Canadian passport, issued a few weeks earlier by the Estonian consolate in Toronto. My decision to come to Estonia was not made overnight. It was something that had brewed within my heart for over 4 years, though i could never bring my mind around to the concept of living in a country still under the rule of the Soviet Union. That all changed on August 20th 1991, as during the Soviet coup, Estonia, followed by several other occupied countries, declared independence. At that moment, i knew without a shadow of doubt my place was in Estonia. Deeply moved by more than just a sense of patriotism, i came to not only explore, but invest the prime years of my life to do my small part in rebuilding the land of my forefathers. It was something i considered to be a divine calling, to bring hope to a generation of young people, as well as finding and/or creating economic value though strategic partnerships and investments. My first month in Estonia was an eyeopener on many fronts. A basically entered a country which was stuck in time, technologically and industrially i'd estimate to be 1950's or 1960's at best. I visited several companies -all state owned at the time, to see if there might be an opportunity for developing exports or joint venture possibilites with the limited business contacts i had in the west. Most Estonian companies expressed eager willingness to find business partners in the west, however the reciprical was quite difficult to find. Most of my business contacts smiled and some even applauded my "patriotic efforts", but none had interest in taking any business risk in such an unstable business and political environment. As i crossed Estonia from one corner to another, i sensed both hope and dispair. With the collapse of the Soviet financial system and a crumbling currency, most Estonians' monthly wages were barely what i'd spend on an average dinner date in Canada. I could easily survive here on $1/day and have plenty to spare, though for locals, spiraling inflation was destroying their savings, as well as making it almost impossible to make ends meet. As it was the wild wild east, i could see some degree of lawlessness in the country, though i never personally sensed any immediate danger, even though i stuck out like a sore western thumb. The most vulnerable i felt was when i exchanged $100US at the post office (a place where one could find currency exchangers with various degrees of credibility), only to be swindled out of all but $1. Just one of the many early cautionary lessons i learned early on. My brother in law's brother had just moved to Estonia about three months earlier, as a missionary. I spent the first weeks with his family. A few moments remain vividly embedded in my memory, such as filling up his imported Chevy van with close to 100 litres of diesel fuel, and paying the approximate equivilent of $1 in total, while locals qued up with their Ladas and Moscvitches for gasoline which was for them quite expensive, and in extreemly short supply. Another oddity i observed, was my relative's neighbour, who would drop off free diesel fuel after each of his work shifts. As it turned out, his pay was based on the amount of fuel he used, apparently a soviet measure of productivity. So rather than dumping fuel -as many of his fellow crane operators did, he gladly shared it with his newfound missionary friend (who then ackquired suitable cisterns to store the fuel on his rental property). Though i seriously questioned the ethics of the transaction, the alternative presented was countless times worse to the environment of our freshly liberated homeland. My first weeks in Estonia did not pass without a car accident. Driving habits were what most westerners would consider extreem. Lane splitting, passing into oncoming traffic seemed to be the norm. Pedestrians were considered a nuisance, hardly ever given the right of way. One day i borrowed my relative's Volkswagen Jetta to travel with a freind to Narva. In the small town of Kohtla Nõmme, we were involved in a relatively low speed head-on collision. My friend was in the driver's seat, i as a passenger ended up with my head smashing the windshield, which knocked out for possibly three to five seconds. Fortunatly there happened to be a nurse in the car behind us, who cleaned me up and bandaged my forehead. The police (still called "miilits") took an hour to show up, with an ambulance showing up another hour later. I don't want to think of what might have happened if the accident would have been worse. The poor guy that hit us with his Lada was in deathly dispair, as he realized he could never afford to pay for the damage he caused to a western car (no insurance in Estonia at this time). "Why couldn't I have hit a Russian car!" he exclaimed. We tried to calm him with little avail. I returned to Canada for Christmas, shipped a diesl VW along with some of my belongings over in February 1992, and then returned with a vision and goal to make some kind of positive impact on Estonian youth, as well as find business development and job creation opportunities. However great this adventure was for em, doors of opportunity did not open quite as i had expected. To fund my adventure, i decided to import car alarm systems as my first venture. Trying stay low key in a maffia rampant environment made the business quite challenging. Fear somehow outweighed any ideas of widely marketing my products. As a result, the business was not viable within the framework of what i considered secure. However, i inadventanty discovered the car import business. Having sold my imported car for a 400% profit, i decided to take my profits and import three more, somehow remaining under the local maffia's radar. Eventually i ended up importing multiple vehicles each year, even new vehicles at times, though margins were not as attractive after a few years. Though i was sustaining myself, i was missing my core vision and goal of business development and job creation. During this time i had also opened my home up for a few church youth to meet regularly, which linked in with the vision i had for reaching troubled youth. It started off as a small group of us, about a dozen youth in the summer of '93, but quickly outgrew my home. By 1994, there was 50-70 of us meeting in an old wooden Kadriorg cafe we affectionaly named the "Green Frog". The exponential growth of the group was overwhelming, and being the "wild east" i had a tough time finding sufficent spiritual and emotional resources to support such a quickly growing group. I can't say "God didn't provide", we had a core group 3-4 who led our youth activities as we supported one another, and as ill-equipped as we were, for over three years we met weekly for bible studies, prayer, nature outings, and simple fun fellowship. Though several lifelong friendships developed, the group had in my opinion grown too big to develop the types of relationships which could tuly reach the core of all these kids' hearts. Having simple fun fellowship -as valuable as it may be, was not at the core of my vision. Coming from a troubled family background myself, having wandered countless nights on the streets of Toronto as a teen and never finding adequate support from local church or social programs, my heart was more focused on reaching out to Estonian youth struggling with similar issues. Finding little support or understanding within the church (which in my opinion was more preoccupied with growing numbers than quality relationships), my heart was torn between continuing to manage a numerically growing youth group -for which i was countless times patted on the back, or to follow my heart's cry. As the pastor never comprehended my heart's cry, and quite frankly never found time to get to know the underlying passion within me, he opted to disconnect and find a "less troublesome" leader for the youth group -perhaps one he felt didn't require as much "support". Most of the kid's didn't understand why i "quit" the youth group, i didn't even expose the reasons why to the special gal in my life at the time, in every reply I simply quoted Ecclesiastes, stating there is a time for everything under the sun. In restrospect, i should have been more open regarding the circumstances surrounding my departure. People talk, draw conclusions from other's actions and behaviour, which are oftentimes far removed from the truth. Rumors, which eventually reached back to me, stated i left youth work to focus on my career as export manager for a small automotive textile supplier. Though i had started working for the company a couple of years before i "quit the youth group", and my workload was growing rapidly, my passion to help and support troubled youth never subsided. I met Ron, a YFC (Youth for Christ non-profit organasation) missionary in 1994. He was organizing a trip for church youth leaders to receive comprehensive training in Poland. I was asked to select a handful of youth with potentual leadership qualities from our church, for the trip which took place January 1995 (none of whom the pastor chose to lead the youth group after i "quit" in '96). The week long trip was both educating and quite an adventure, though personally somewhat difficult as i internally pondered and wrestled with several issues in my heart. Over the following months i shared both my vision and frustrations with Ron, from which grew an invitation to realize my vision though his organization. For years i had envisioned a youth center, where kids could come and hang out without any restrictions, pressure, or prejudged biases being imposed upon them (which i experienced searching for help during my teen years). Those in need would find someone with true empathy who can support and assist in resolving their deep crisis'. I envisioned linking with existing church and social programs which can assist kids coming from unstable or violent homes, kids strugling with sunstance abuse, even giving hope to pregnant teens, directing each of them to places where they could find the best support for their circumstances. Remembering the paralizing fear i felt searching for help as a teen, the center would become a place where young people's fear barriers would be broken, a stepping stone per se to both assistive counseling and programs, as well as to the supportive churches. After a 7 month long delay (the contractor failed to complete the facility within the agreed two months, draining most of our financial resources), we opened "Kitsas Tee" ("The Narrow Road") on Lai tn 7 ("Wide Street 7") in 1997. Both the name of the youth center and the address fit well with a key verse behind my vision, Matthew 7:13-14. Indeed narrow is the path that leads to life -and it can be tough to find that path without guidance and help, while easy and wide is the path that leads to destruction. Part of the plan was to be fully self supportive with a revenue producing cafe, which unfortunately never came to fruition. Funds pledged for building out the kitchen were largely lost to paying rent on an incompleted facility due to construction delay. It eventually became clear that the contractor, who was also a YFC board member, gave promises to which he lacked the resources to timely complete. And though i favored an outside contractor, promises of completing the facility for a significant discount swayed the board's decision in his favor. Time is money they say, and in this case it was devistatingly true, as the time lost in constructoin critically wounded us financially, from which we never recovered. As the kitchen was never completed, prepackaged snacks and drinks was all we could offer at the youth center during its three and a half years of existance. Nonetheless, it became a popular place for Estonian youth to hang out, at least over the first couple of years. We organized events and concerts in the youth center, games along with a pool table for kids to enjoy, along with bible studies and fellowship/support groups. Unfortunatly we didn't succeed in find churches or other organizations grasping the opportunity or fully embracing the vision we had. Instead we heard complaints of the youth center "stealing" church youth, which absolutely was never our intention. Church politics are funny sometimes, what should be a place of acceptance and grace all too often becomes a place of turf battles. Interestingly, the youth center suddenly became attractive turf for the same pastor who opted to disconnect from me a year earlier. After opening the youth center, he invited me back to assist alongside the new youth leader who was struggling, even suggested i bring the youth center under his church's umbrella. My gut churned, as i responded as gracefully as i could in the moment, declining his offer while suggesting he instead dedicate more time mentoring and supporting his new youth leader. Our relationship remained amicable in later years, though i understood our perspective on difficult life issues remained quite far apart. And it was perfectly understandable, as with his stable family background he in no way could he conceive what it means to search for a place of refuge from a unstable home. While several more positive relationships developed with other curches and non-profits, the financial stress we were under from the start undermined efforts to expand or develop anything more impactful with the youth center. As we lacked sufficient resources, i remained deeply involved in the youth center's day to day activities, all alongside my full time job -which eventually took it's toll. Up to that point, i did not really comprehend what burn-out is, and perhaps didn't truly comprehend what had hit me for a few years yet. As my life became consumed by both my career as well as the youth center, i felt it was time to find another leader for the center, which we did. The new leader was certainly capable, however he did bring a change to the number and type of youth visiting to the center. Somehow we were no longer reaching the demographic we had, nor were we offering the types of activities or environment which attracted as many youth. And in all fairness, more events and activites were being offered elsewhere, so the scarcity of places youth could go had diminished. In 2001, the youth center shut down, as it wasn't financially sustainable, nor fulfilling the vision i had initially cast. Being also an export manager for a growing automotive supplier consumed much of my energy and work capacity, as our business quickly expanded in Western Europe, with contracts to supply automakers from Daimler-Benz to JLR. My export department grew as we hired new project managers as multiple new projects came online, more than i could initially handle. Conflicts which developed within upper management made my job all the more difficult, where in addition to managing multiple projects, i became a facilitor for resolving internal disputes. During my tenure, i learned much about the Estonian psyche. Estonians almost never admit they have made a mistake, most often find a scapegoat, cover up, or brush mishaps under the carpet. I remember when a key British client sent us a special fibre for production of a new fabric for testing, but our production staff inadventently mixed the batch in with our regular production and it was lost. Without the special fibre avaiable for producing the new fabric, our CEO called a meeting to develop a cover-up plan, starting with our own material substitution to every excuse from a fire loss to lost in transit was thrown on the table. In principle i refused to play along with any cover-up, and the meeting ended in a stalemate as our CEO was convinced we would lose the lucrative contract if our screw-up came to light. To make a long story short, the CEO eventually allowed me to tell the truth to our business partner, who responded with a chuckle "Shit happens to the best of us -we'll send you another batch!" Apologies are not a strong suit with Estonians, neither in giving, far less receiving. I remember stepping out of line with my boss, undermining the CEO's authority during an important business meeting. Regardless of the fact that my view turned out to be the correct one, i sensed i needed to apologize for the uncomfortable positition i placed my boss in amongst colleagues. I stepped into te CEO's office, apologized for stepping out of line during the meeting -you would have thought my boss had been caught in an embarrasing act. The guy did not know how to accept an apology gracefully, he without any eye contact expressed his discomfort with fidgity movements, said "no problem" while motioning me to leave. Don't get me wrong, I loved my job and generally got along well with my colleagues. I loved the amazing opportunities my position presented to develop new markets and products, while growing employment opprtunities for my fellow Estonians -all of which clicked in with my vision and passion. Tough negotiations with clients and partners was all a part of normal business, but endless internal disputes and stupid "negotiations" with my own colleagues to get things done eventually took its toll. After five and half years, i had had enough. My colleagues questioned my decision to leave, as they tried to convince me to stay. Again, i remained silent on the real reasons for leaving. My employment experience presented me with a powerful springboard towards a dream career in the automotive industry (i had even been courted by a small automaker and a couple of suppliers). However, i sensed i first needed to rest and recover from the toll my job and the youth center had taken on me before i'd have the capacity to move on. And despite opportunities, i discounted any thought of moving away from Estonia, as my calling and vision remained integraly tied to my homeland. So i took a year off, bought my dream BMW motorcycle and toured northern Europe. I was still trying to regain direction, while my mind pondered all kinds of business ideas and possibilities. For years i had a passion for the aviation industry -so i decided to follow that passion. I started up an air charter brokerage company -my first registered business venture in Estonia. The second decade... to be continued...

The Way, The Truth, and The Life

ONE of the most famous quotes of Jesus, found in the Gospel of John Chapter 14. Jesus adresses Thomas' question of direction -not seeing, knowing or comprehending how to reach the same destination Christ had refered to as HE comforted HIS discples. We all know Thomas was a doubter, refusing to believe Christ had risen from the dead until he sees and touches the wounds of Jesus. Doubt is something we all grapple with at some point in our lives -particularly when we don't see a path forward or can't determine what is true. Doubt can undermine hope, faith, and vision, particularly in relationships. In this interaction Jesus adresses Thomas' question with three distinct statements. The first two adresses the questions Thomas, and quite frankly all of us grapple with at times -our longing for direction, clarity and truth. It just does not feel good to be without direction or clarity. These are two areas most Christains fixate on to eliviate any lack of clarity in issues of direction and truth. Some focus more on the way -methods, paths or processes to reach a sense of peace or fulfillmnent, which may involve many kinds of good deeds, including helping, instructing or directing others. Others fixate on finding the truth, proclaiming what they believe to be uncompromised truth not only to others, but to themselves. Exposing lies becomes an obsession, along with convincing every mind -including their own, of their understanding of "truth". Laying down stones of truth as a immovable foundation can build some sense of security. Then there's 'The Life'. How many of us really understand what Jesus is trying to say with this statement. What is Life? What does it mean to be alive? Grapple with that for a moment. We can process and package both "way" and "truth" with our own understanding, but how do we process "The Life" Jesus states He is? Earlier on in John chaper 10, Jesus is quoted as stating "I have come that they may have life, and that they may have it more abundantly." Is it possible to be more alive than our breathing heart beating bodies currently are? If so, how does one tap this source of "Abundant Life". Proverbs 4:23 instructs us to guard our heart above all else, for it is the wellspring of life. This seems to be the key connection and the core of what Christ leads us to focus on. As our hearts beat and pump blood through are bodies, are our wellsprings well or have they been contaminated? We know water can bring life as well as death, dependant on whether the water is clean or not. (to be continued..)