The sower never asks...

I've been asking alot of why questions in my life. I don't know why i do this, though i've even asked myself 'why' about this too... i guess with when we experience injustice, loss and pain too frequently, these questions naturally come up. Have i done something to deserve this? am i suffering under some curse? Or am i just a random target for man, or for God?

This morning a friend said something that struck me. A sower never asks why he must give so much seed to the soil. I've heard expressions like this before, but I started wondering if i treated my losses as seeds, would my perspective change?

Jesus talked about the sower who sowed his seed in good soil, and on poor soil, about thorns and weeds that strangle, and the birds that come and eat the seed. this is just a part of life and growing crops. we do not hang on to seeds, we plant them. We never get 100, some seasons we mat not even get 10% return. All seeds do not produce results, and some crops may fail

the blows of life

As i looked out of the window, i noticed a quite sober looking man rummaging through the trash bins. It saddened me to see this fellow actually eat some discarded food he found. I have no idea what his story might be, but i was left wondering how he might have come to this desperate state, and how he might be saved from this.

Life does not treat people equally or fairly. We have all been dealt a different lot in life, good or bad we all must learn to accept and deal with it. By accepting, i'm not saying our future can't change, it can change with much effort, or even despite our own effort quite dramatically. I think of the Eddy Murphy film 'Trading Places' where two lives were turned upside down by a bet made between two businessmen. Quite cruel when i come to think of it, how another person's actions, perhaps even someone unknown to us can make a decision that in effect destroys another's life.

So, this fellow rummaging through the trash for food. Did he decide to choose this lifestyle for himself? I highly doubt so. So what were the circumstances that brought him here. Was he a married man who's wife left him and who lost his motivation to work? Did the bank take his home away because he couldn't make the mortgage payments? Or is he a victim of a series of events which caused his life to just crumble...?

Last night at the Tartu film festival i watched a film called Fly fly Ladybug about a lady who could not cope with raising her kids due to an abusive husband. She started off with good intentions as a loving and caring mother, until life threw quite a number of unjust turns to her life. Perhaps you can call them bad choices, choosing an abusive man, yet all the choices were intended for good, to cope and hopefully to improve the quality of het kid's lives, kids she loved very much. Eventually the courts ruled that whe is an unfit parent and took her kids away, not once but three times.

The pain of loosing her loved ones caused her in despertation to behave quite erratically. Unforunately her behavior just isolated her more from the hope of getting her kids back. A relatively stable person had become unfit due to circumstances outside her control.And society so quickly labeled her, judged her to be someone who whe really wasn't or at least didn't want to be. It's a vicious circle so difficult to break out of...

It's said that God is a God of grace. So how is God's grace imparted to the lives or an abused mother or a hungry homeless man? Some say God looks after those who look after themselves. God help us, as we all need a helping hand sometimes. So it is when we see someone in need, we should take care to note that we ourselves are His hands and His feet. It is we, who have been entrusted to impart His grace.

If it doesn't make you stronger, it will kill you...

There are many experinces we encounter in life, some are positive, others are quite difficult, at times even debilitating. We all know the saying, 'if it won't kill you, it will make you stronger', but we who are all still alive and beathing, can we really say every experience has make us stronger?

'A little piece of me died today' is an expression many of us can relate to. Hurt, disallusionment, and disapointment are not what we usually call positive experiences. It's true we can learn much from these experiences, protect ourselves better in the future by creating a tougher skin or perhaps a more calloused heart. Is this our understanding of becoming stronger? Or is our response to these experiences actually killing us?

The truth is we are all physically dying, some of us are further along in the process than others. Our cells are degenerating, skin is wrinkling, teeth are decaying, eyesight is deteriorating, all this is a normal process of life. Heart disease, cancer and other many other ailments bring us closer to realisation our days are numbered. We could blame our diet, polution or excess UV exposure, but there is no escaping the fact that to dust we will return, and bit by bit pieces of us are dying every day.

Jesus said 'I have come to give you life, and life more abundantly'. True, we are living longer these days, and it seems our physical quality of life has improved significantly over the past century or so, but have we become more alive, and are we living more abundantly? I guess the real question is: 'How alive do we feel?'

Clearly there are experiences that bring us joy and make us feel more alive. Positive experiences like the win of a favourite sports team or the satisfaction of a job well done, spending time with good friends and of course love. There are also experiences that hurt and damage our spirit and emotions, such as failure of an important project, loss of a business or job, death fo a close friend or facing rejection of a loved one. As pain is such a real part of our lives, how should we deal with it and use it to make us stonger?

To be honest, i don't know the short answer to this. Truth is, time heals many of our wounds, but i sometimes wonder what it takes to resurrect the pieces that have died in the process. I have come to understand restoration takes place as we re-discover joy in life. But joy seems to be so elusive to us, especially in our high stress societies. True joy comes from above, but we die a little each day as we are consumed by things that have little eternal value. And even though we seem to be healthier and are living much longer, we somehow have lost time for deeper and more meaningful relationships be it with friends or with God. And these are the very ingredients we so need to cultivate joy in our lives.

Abundant life, joy, healing... What is making us stronger? Perhaps the more pertinant question is 'Who is making us stronger?'

Are you sad?

I was listening to the local jazz radio station as i drove back from the cottage last night, and a song called 'Are you sad?' by 'Our Lady Peace' was played. The music itself didn't move me as much as the question it posed. The songwriter asks this question of his friend, wondering why he has not shared his need or concern.

Why do people tend to close themselves up when they are sad? Depression creates a feeling of unacceptance, feeling very alone, as no-one would understand. And yes it's true, rarely can another person truly understand what you feel and what you are going through. Each of our circumstances are unique, as well as the way we have been created and raised. I thought of my own situation, how difficult it has been to come to terms with my 'sadness', and how so few people even have an inkling of how i feel.

There are people all around us that are sad. People who are hurting and in need of an encouraging word, a listening ear, or just a good hug. How do we act? How sensative or receptive are we to these friends? Do we distance ourselves, feeling uncomfortable. Or do we just say those 'encouraging words' get your act together!? And maybe those ever so disconnecting words 'I understand...'?

The truth is, we rarely understand why we ourselves we are sad, let alone anyone else. Undertanding the source of our own sadness can help us overcome it, but rarely this in itself is sufficient. At times we all need someone to pick us up, to share a good word and give a hug. But perhaps with all the above we need someone to ask the question, why are you sad?

Seeking to understand another persons sadness helps us to be sensative in our encouragement. I have certainly felt the sharp edge of someone's well meaning 'encouaging' word just gouge deeper into me, only to cause more damage and pain.

'Are you sad?' is a door opening question. It's a question of concern and not judgemental. God has created us as social beings who have need to share our heart with others. Keeping our sadness to ourselves never resolves anything.

The scripture in Romans 12:15 tells us to rejoice with those who rejoice and mourn with those who mourn. While it's easy to rejoice with another, i've always been more appreciative of those who stand by me in my deepest dispair. Unfortunately there are few that do.

There is a time for everything in our journey. The writer of Ecclesiastics learned well that there is...

a time to weep...
a time to laugh...
a time to mourn...
a time to dance...
a time to embrace...
a time to lose...
a time to keep silence...
a time to speak...

The long drive..

Over the last few days, i've been on a long drive around Lake Erie. Long drives are a great time to think, reflect and reminisce about life, albeit this drive ended up being much too rushed for this. I had planned to make several stops to take time to write, but my travel schedule was too tight for this.

Origionally i planned to leave on Tuesday, but i still had some family issues to deal with. With my mom ill and a number of other unresoved issues, i postponed my departure to Wednesday morning. I woke up before 6am as i have each morning at my sister's place, their dog being my faithful alarm clock, whether i want it or not (over the past 4 weeks i haven't been able to get more than 4-5 hours of sleep per night, my sister's night owl family rarely getting to sleep before 1am).

"At least i'll have an early start and get out of town before rush hour!" the early bird thought... Weary, but ready to go, I head out to my car at 6am only to find both possible escape routes from the driveway blocked! My nephew who usually parks in the garage parked came home late and parked beside me on the driveway and with their other car firmly planted behind me i was stuck. Aaargh!

For a moment i thought about driving across the grass, but that would have probably upset the neighbours who own half of the lawn that i would have certainly left ruts in. I marched back into the house, trying to find a spare set of keys to no avail. I debated if i should wake up someone, but i figured there's no point as by the time someone would get up and move the car i would start hitting rush hour traffic anyways.

So i waited until 10 am until my sister had headed off to work. The drive through Toronto traffic was still heavy, found myself on the highway doing less than 30 km/h. Then the rain came... I'm talking monsoon rain! I couldn't remember seeing anything like it, 5-10 minutes driving through a wall of water, couldn't even see 3 meters in front of me! It cleared up for about 20 minutes until i hit the next wall of water. Strange weather...

The border crossing at Buffalo was easy enough. My first stop was visiting old friends in upper New York state. They live in an area with lots of rolling hills i'd call more like small montains. I never knew this part of New York state was so beautiful. Since I had agreed to meet them at 4pm, i didn't have time to stop to take some quiet time in nature and write as i had initially hoped. Didn't feel good being on such a tight schedule...

The visit itself was refreshing, as it usually is with old friends. I really enjoy spending time with people, at least those who are honest and open, and not too focused on the superficial. Life is so much more than what we own, eat or drink.

I was looking forward to my first good night's sleep in weeks. A quiet small town, no barking dog to wake me up at 5 am,.. aaah, so nice. But at 2:15am I was rudely awakened by an air raid siren! Where was i? Suddenly in the midst of an arieal attack, or was something else going on? The siren continued to blair for at least 10 minutes, though it seemed longer. I died down for a minute before it started blairing for another 10 minutes. I thought perhaps there was terrorist attack, or maybe a chemical spill from the adjacent railroad. I sat up waiting for police to come and advise us to close or windows and other precautions or perhaps evacuate, but they never came.

Cars were racing up the street, some civilian vehicles, others with flashing lights. Something was certainly going on. All the activity seemed to end around 3 am, but i wasn't able to fall asleep until sometime past 4am, with my hopes of a good night sleep dashed...

I asked my hosts in the morning about the sirens, and to my astonishment they said they never heard them! What??? That's impossible, i thought. Well, maybe not. They had gotten used to the sirens, as that night was certainly not a unique incident. The town has a volunteer fire department, so apparently sirens are used regularly to alert firefihghters and call them to the scene. Don't these people have telephones??? Unbelievable!

Needless to say, i didn't feel well rested as i drove off to Indiana, my next stop on this long drive. For me this destination was the main reason for travelling although for me a ridiculous and redundant destination, mainly to resolve an issue for a 'friend' (please note that i use this term loosely here). Some people manipulate and try to entrap you into their service, and into an unwanted relationship. Our 'friendship' started with him asking me to help him find investment opportunities, which i foolishly did asking no compensation in return. Now i find myself the focus of blame for his mistakes. So this trip to a bank in Indiana was to try to loose some of the chains which this 'friend' has used to enslave me. As an old Estonian proverb says, 'No good deed shall go unpunished...'

The more positive destination on that evening was to the Detroit area to attended a party my good friend Agnes thew. Lots of Estonians together, many old friends, and a few new ones. The following day i spent with friends cycling by the lake, followed by a swim and picnic on the beach. It was a great and relaxing time.

Saturday morning after i helped a friend move a trailer and do some yard planning, i headed back to Canada. After 4 days on the road, spending time some great friends, I realised my travels had been squeezed into a too narrow timeframe. I would have loved to take a few more days to relax, but my schedule didn't allow it. At the end the trip i felt more tired than refreshed.

I guess what i missed was more true quality time. There was just too little of it, no quiet time for myself and little time for deeper conversations with friends. It's so much more enjoyable when you can spend hours or days without the time constraints and pressures of a tight schedule. We learn more about ourselves, more about our friends, more about God and the beauty of His creation.

As i look at m life and the lives of so many around me, the message again seems to be clear; slow down and smell the flowers along your path. We need to take more time to truly rest, as it helps take the edge off our so stessful lives. And there's just so much we can miss on a too speedy journey.