Emotional Abandonment

The womb is an interesting place, at least i imagine it was within the almost 9 months after i was conceived. Warm, damp and oddly soothing. A secure space, well protected from the muffled noises i can hear from outside these soft walls. Alone, yet not isolated, I am mysteriously connected with the being who is carrying me. In mostly flowing and gentle movements we make our way together. Like being in the stomach of a whale (no offence to the being carrying me), we seem to be floating in a sea which only i cannot see. Though i cannot see, i most certainly can feel all the emotions of this being. Love, joy, surprise, worry and concern. I have no idea of the source of these feelings, though i sense that i'm central to it all. 

Days flow into weeks and weeks into months, my entire soul is becoming more integrately woven together with this mysterious and amazing being. It seems this being is giving me life! As connected as we are, i sense something is missing, though i can't quite put my tiny developing finger on it yet. It's so strange, the more attached i become to this life giving being the more detached i start to feel. At times i feel that i am loved, at other times i feel like i'm unwelcome here, perhaps even unwanted. I sense love, fear and rejection, all combined into one. What is the source of these strange feelings? Are these simply fleeting thoughts creating needless doubt in my mind? Or is there something more to it? 

This secure space is beginning to feel less secure. Though it's physically comfortable and seems to sustain me, i sense i need to escape from the bombardment of confusing emotions seeping through these walls. Yet i'm trapped, there's no escaping, as these emotions continue to be woven into my tiny developing soul. Who exactly am I? And who's am I? Why am I even here? Why was I even created? Little did i realize, these questions may take a lifetime to answer. 

 To be continued..

Blessed, or Not...

The phrase "I'm Blessed" has become a widespread tagline for so many in this day and age. No longer restricted to Christian or religious circles, modern culture seems to use it to express forms of personal success, be it related to family or wealth, as such perhaps best enveloped with the term "prosperity". Yes, most people equate blessing with prosperity. While i understand what it means to prosper, i've always struggled with the true definition of being "blessed". What does a blessing entail? 

The scripture gives many examples of people being blessed, even a case of stealing a blessing as Jacob did from his brother Esau. Yet the blessing of Jacob didn't mean he prospered immediatly, in fact for a time he was on the run and cheated out of some of his greatest desires. Yet David and Solomon seemed to be "blessed", or was they possessed not a blessing but simply display their prosperity? Statements of "being blessed" often bring me to consider the story of Job. Was he blessed or not? Reading the first part of the story, this guy was prosperous and then suddenly he lost everything. I would view this as a loss of his properity, not blessing. But was he at all blessed before, during and after his loss? Can and should a "blessed" person lose everything dear to him? Can losing one's prosperity equate with losing one's blessing? And in receiving double after his losses really a blessing, or is it simply compensation for the pain he endured? 

I've said i'm blessed when things go well, be it personal, health, family, work, finances, etc. So when things don't go well, i start to wonder what happened to my blessing, and whether i've been cursed instead. Job cursed the day he was born after he lost everything. I have to admit that i've done the same in the darkest moments of my life. Yet time goes by, things get better, and i start to feel "blessed" again. Can blessing really come and go? And how much of this blessing is dependant on us? Bad things happen to good people, no one can deny that. 

Yes, we look for reasons or causes of misfortune, we like to lay blame on actions or perhaps even our own thought patterns. While the mind is powerful in guiding our trajectory, it cannot be blamed for things that happen which are outside our control. The great hymn "It is well with my soul" written by Horratio Spafford perhaps gives a clue to what true blessing is. He had lost his son and four daughters in seperate tragic events, in addition to losing much of his wealth and assets through economic hardships and the Chicago fire. He then writes "it is well with my soul". He goes on to write about a "blessed hope and rest". How many of us could say or write such words after such great losses? 

 Jesus also speaks to who's blessed in his sermon on the mount. Blessed are.. the poor in spirit, those who mourn, the meek, those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, the merciful, the pure, the peacemakers, those who are persecuted. None of these terms have any relationshp to the term "prosperity" which we so often equate to blessings. I'm starting to sense that none of us really understand what being blessed actually means.

WAR of Bombs and Words

Two days after my last post, Putin invades Ukraine. Very few believed he'd actually do it. He himself denied he would do it. A "Special military operation" he calls it. The free world has responded, this time the slap on the wrist has been harder and repetitive, but sanctions are still a slap on the wrist. All this while Ukraine battles for its freedom and the right to preserve democracy. Yes, the west is "assisting" Ukraine with supplies and arms, but not quite all the arms they need for a proper defence. Zelenski's pleas to close the skies has been flatly rejected. Promised MIG fighter jets offered by Poland have been stalled or blocked by NATO states fearful that Putin might take revenge and attack them. Yet NATO sends all kinds of other arms seemingly without restraint. So why doesn't NATO want Ukraine to control its own skies? The issue may be more complicated than meets my eye. Though Ukrainians' fight with a passion that puts Chuck Norris to shame, there's still the question of whether Putin's forces will succeed in subduing the Ukrainian army. If the Ukrainians would have proper air support the Russians would most certainly have not gained so much ground. But if the Russians did win, then perhaps these powerful former Polish jets would be claimed by Putin as the spoils of war. Maybe that's what's holding NATO back, perhaps they fear the jets would end up in Russian hands and used against them. So the Ukrainians are left alone to fight of an enemy which clearly has superior firepower in the air, though their ground assault seems to be taking a beating. I already wrote to some NATO leaders urging them to support Ukraine's air defence capabilites. But as hindsight is 20/20 perhaps sending the jets now would be too little too late. By rights the time to send those jets should have been days before the war started. More troubling to me is the war of words, in which NATO seems to be weak right from the start. While Putin threatens the free world with nukes, the west preempts any possibility of NATO becoming involved in the conflict. It's like saying "the door is open, go on in". Sure we threaten to sanction Russia to death, yet fail to realize Putin and most of Russia is not afraid of sanctions. Biden basically gave a carte blanche for Putin to act as he wills. This also plays deeply into how China might move on their geopolitical interests in the future. I don't know how this war will end, though i pray Ukraine will prevail as the free world steps up its tangable support in the process. But it certainly gives an eyeopening view into such varied strengths of strategies in the politics of war.

Pravda, or not...

Today marks a pivital day in history, where after almost 80 years an intentionally skewed interpretation of "truth" has brought Europe back to the brink of war. "Pravda", meaning "truth" in Russian, was also the name of Communist Russia's main media outlet, and a powerful propoganda machine for almost 70 years. After the collapse of the Soviet Union, President Yeltsin sold the "Truth" branded media outlet to Greek business interests, which triggered some confusion and trademark disputes over the following years. A modern version of "Pravda" or "truth" is being served up by Russian leaders not only to Russians but the entire world. Canted historic views are being propagated thoughout Russian media, stirring up fear and anger against Ukrainians where no fear or anger needs to exist. Why? To support the expansionist agenda of an oligargh supported tyrant. Fear is a powerful weapon, as i've written previously on this blog. And media is a powerful carrier of messages such as these. Arguably, social media has become the most powerful carrier of information in our times, systematically used and abused by groups with all kinds of agendas. The spead of information and misinformation has never been so rapid and rampant. Think of the Canadian truckers' blockades. The incredible impact social media played in expanding their cause and methods, where the blockades were even replicated in far reaching corners of the world. Whether you agree with the pretext to these blockades or not, it was extremely successful in gaining international exposure and support. I would argue the events on the Russian-Ukrainian border are a significantly deeper and graver threat to the freedoms most of us have enjoyed since the last world war. Make no mistake, how the free world reacts Russia's provocations will dictate how these tyrants will act in the future. The slap on the wrist after incursions into Georgia and annexation of Crimea have not brought any change in behaviour, simply emboldened Putin to make larger and riskier military moves. He's become a well honed strategic chess player, with Europe as his chessboard. And CHINA IS WATCHING. How the world reacts to Putin sets the stage for how the world might react to China's geopolitical moves in the future. It's the key reason China has thrown their support behind Russia, under the guise of an imminent "security threat". The free world's politicians will slap Putin's wrists again -a bit harder than before, but as painful as it might be it will remain just a slap. So what might be a better deterrant against tyrants such as Putin? And how can we expose his skewed "Pravda" to the Russian people? Back to the truckers' blockade. What if, in addition to politicians playing high stakes tit for tat with Russia, there would be a Canadian style grass roots blockade of Russian embassies in every freedom loving nation? Something of the scale that would cause the Russian people to question the "Pravda" misinformation they're beeing served. It would certainly raise the political stakes for these expansionist tyrants, while helping expose the truth behind their words and actions. Perhaps it might be a more impactful means of securing our freedoms, with a much further reaching perspective.

The Power of Love

Love is. A short statement, to some it may seem like an incomplete statement - seemingly missing a key adjective to describe it. Rather than delve into various descriptions of love, take a moment to allow Love to embrace you. No, not as a verb or action, but perehps a bit more like an individual though not quite a living being, something you recognize as being utterly powerful and capable of enveloping life itself. God spoke to Moses, Moses asked "Who shall i say has sent me?", God replied "I AM". True, God is an individual, but God also says He IS Love. I AM.. Love IS.. OK, my goal here is not to get too abstract or to confuse anyone, but have you grapple with Love and how it envelopes us, or at least should envelop us. Today as a met with a few men for our regular morning prayer, one fellow shared how he's lost the joy of life somewhere along the way. He shared how his business, which once brought joy (and profits which he donated for the completion of the church organ) has stagnated into a tiresome and mundane activity. He also expressed sadness that the wonderful organ which his work and donations -driven by the power of Love helped complete, is finding less use as time goes on. I can relate to his sense of disapointment, as I was in a similar place over 20 years ago. Love birthed a vision to establish a youth center where young people could find a place a refuge, support and help -something I lacked in my youth as i struggled under the domestic abuse in our home. I didn't want any kid to suffer what i went through -finding no understanding or support -even within the church. Love created the vision, and the vision was a powerful driving force to bring the first youth center to life (planned where several). Of course there was opposition, there were many who failed to understand not only the vision, but the powerful Love which underlied it. Over time I became tired and weary of the relational and financial setbacks, the lack of understanding and support, and what many including myself might describe as a personal "burn out". The initially popular youth center ended up being shut down less than 4 years after its birth. Not only did the vision take a huge blow, but sapped its underlying love and joy. For years it was hard for me to walk by the building which housed the youth center. The passion to build or do anything similar again was gone. My head wanted to and said i could, but my heart no longer engaged. The pain of disappointment had sapped Love's power from within me. Scripture tells us to guard our hearts above all else. I mentioned "burn out" earlier, but what exactly causes it? Why is it that some people of vision rise above setbacks and obsticals while others -despite good intentions and great efforts, fail to. Disappointment is a powerful force. My disappointment's not so much in the failure of the youth center, but in failure of others to engage and support a vision birthed by Love. It's actually heartbreaking. Perhaps here is the key to whether we "burn out" or not. We endure much more when we're surounded by people who share the passion, vision and Love -especially after we have invested and poured out all we have. So to my friend who's heart is being broken by the empty organ seat, I hear you. Instead of great sadness, our hearts would experience joy if only others would continue to carry these visions forward through the power of Love. Love IS Love.

Idiology and Fear

This pandemic has brought out the best and worst in us, the human race. Stories of kindness have been replaced more and more by news filled with protests and anger. Yes, these are precarious times we live in. So much uncertaintly has enveloped us over the past two years, raising fears to levels most of us have not seen or experienced in our lifetime. Fears relating to our health or the health of our loved ones, to fears of losing our so called rights and freedoms. Many of these fears were already primed by political turmoil and polarizaion in countries once considered to be well balanced and secure, while nations which have historically been agressors are begining to show their stripes again. True, leaders use times of great uncertainty to plot political or personal gains. Nothing new under the sun, it's always been this way throughout history. Creating fear has been a key strategy used to manipuate the masses, subtly instilling or reinforcing idiologies which are often formed against something, be it a system, people or demographic. What is idiology? It has been said that idiology is the lens through which a person views the world. It envelops a person's assumptions, expectations, beliefs and values. We as humans don't like uncertainty, particularly when it relates to our own lens through which we view the world. When something we view seems unclear, our mind seeks ways to focus our lens to create some certainty. Rather than accept the uncertainty, we oftentimes make assumptions. Assumptions are like seeds, sown into our minds by ourselves and others, mostly unchecked and often unnoticed. These assumptions create expectations for something to happen. It may be something we consider positive, though more often than not it's something which creates a sense of insecurity. Whether the expectation has a factual base at this point is often no longer relevent to the mind which has created its assumptions in the context of uncertainty and fear. Expectations turn into beliefs, which form the basis for our values. And this is where idiologies clash. When something seemingly comes against our values or beliefs, we become defensive or in extreem cases offensive. Rarely does the human mind think back and analyse the source of its assumptions and expectations when they have been entrenched in its beliefs and values. So what does the mind do? In a defensive or offensive action, it looks for evidence, regardless how weak the evidence may be, to support its values and beliefs. The greater the underlying insecurity the more active it becomes to find and create a sense of security. This often leads to forceful arguments in a mostly subconscious attempt to convince themselves while inscribing their beliefs upon others, where opposing views are not given much of any consideration. And it gives a sense of empowerment to the mind which succeeds in multiplying believers of its idiology. This is often how tyrants are born. But what if our minds were more open to accept uncertainty, to question the roots of idiologies and hold our beliefs a bit more loosely instead of clenched in our fists? I'll be the first to admit that i don't much like uncertainty. I'll also admit i've fought my share of idiologistic arguments in my earlier years, with sincere certainty my beliefs were the correct ones. With age i've learned the error of my ways, along with the errors in assumptions, expectations and beliefs which brought me there. It brought me to a place where i told my wife before we married, that i'm not certain about anything in this life. And in an odd way, my lack of certainty (outside of our love for one another) brought her a sense of security, in that i view life in a more loose and wholistic manner than within a confined or rigid idiology. Our idiologies, values and beliefs need to be examined and tested. We do a disservice to ourselves and others when we don't examine the assumptions and expectations our idiology is based on, nor give consideration to alternative views. If the assumptions and expectations are truly factual, we need not fear them being challenged or tested, as they should remain standing. However, what we need to fear are idiologies, beliefs and values -foremost in our own minds, that have been skewed by assumptions which are simply not true.