Our shells

Shells are made to protect. Look at a clam, snail, or turtle, all have been created with shells to protect their fragility. People in many ways are similar, fragile and create their own invisible shells. I’ve see this in so many lives, and acknowledge i too at times hide within my own protective shell, especially when there’s an imminent threat of being wounded again.

Shells do protect us from wounds, however they can also lead to isolation and loneliness. Periods of isolation may help healing, but extended isolation keeps us in darkness, a state that does not bear well for our souls...

Deep wounds often draw people into a protective shell. One of the deepest wounds is rejection. Repetitive rejection can erode our boldness, bring on depression and if not dealt with will eventually lead to despair or much worse.

I want to share a resource that i’ve recently been listening to on the topic of rejection, and how it can effect us. I’m not propagating any guaranteed solutions, but identification of the issue and threats is half of the battle. Getting out of the downward spiral has more to do with God’s grace and finding the right people to surround us, than in what we can accomplish ourselves. I encourage you to listen to this 5 part series on the topic of rejection. The link is attached below. Perhaps it might give you some insight, either to help you or someone you know come out of their shell...

**audio link**

Our life as a book

Originally published 5 February 2012

Chances are, that if you’re reading my blog you also like reading books. Have you ever noticed some books are easier to read than others? I’m not only talking about the content, but the text itself. The words, it’s font, spacing, margins, perhaps even the texture of the paper... Some books just seem more inviting and pleasurable to read.

In other books the text is crammed together with little space or margins, and can be very hard and tiring to read. Even a good book, like the pocket travel Bible i own, regardless how good the content is, my eyes become very tired when i read the small print. I think we can all agree it’s easier to read text that is well spaced and has sufficient margins surrounding it.

Do you know each of our lives are like a book, or a letter as Paul describes it in 2 Cor 3:2-3 (read). Each page has text that people can read. How many actually read it i really don’t know, but i suspect it’s more than we realize.. 

So what does a page of your life look like? I know what mine has looked like. There’s some pages that have been very rough, others seemingly much more positive. I led a full life with business (don’t like that word) and ministry, creating jobs, impacting people’s lives, all good things that i felt God had led me to do. And i could always see many more opportunities and needs. My friends knew my heart, that i wanted to have an impact, wanted to make a difference in people’s lives and furthering God’s kingdom.. So i did more, took on more projects, since i believed i had the capacity, and that i can do all things though Christ who strengthens me!  Philippians 4:13. 

My page still had room in the margin to write, to create something new. Things were going relatively well and my life couldn’t be more full, and little did i know that i was right! then the storms came, and i had no room or margin to deal with them. I needed to re prioritize, displace or neglect things of less importance. At first it came at the expense of rest and sleep. I slept less, and my mind was still going in my sleep. my vacations were working vacations, with my phone and computer turned on. But everything was important! Yet the storms became worse while i still had all my sails out... I was unprepared... and didn’t have time to batten down,.. i thought surely God would carry me through. 

I shared my struggles with good friend of mine, a former missionary to Russia and Estonia. He suggested i take some time off and come to the US for a rest, but how could i in the midst of the storm? I was in the midst of a rescue operation, i needed to resolve many problems, save my businesses and the mission i felt God had called me to.  

I had taken on more than he had called me to. I had filled the margins of my life page with many good things and opportunities. And when trouble came i had no margin to deal with it. And they came as weeds, between the text, choking off the good fruit... The weeds paralized me, since there was no room to move. I could no longer accomplish in a week what i once accomplished in a day. battling the weeds i eventually ran out of strength and shut down.

Then my health started failing, and i knew i needed to make some crucial decisions. I cut ties with the vision, the goals i had, and handed business responsibilities to my colleagues, even sold most of my business interest at a great financial loss. My health was more important now. Then i accepted my friend’s invite to take some down time.

I had become quite disillusioned with God. Do His promises not work? What about Philippians 4:13? (quote). I sat quietly in my disillusionment, a little like Job but in my own sackcloth, questioning, searching for some answer (i also had many friends too who gave their flawed Ŕx). But finally God spoke, through a book i read. True, I can do all things through Christ who strengthen’s me, but when did Christ tell me to do all things...?

Yes each of us have different capacities, though we have been called to give our all for the sake of Christ. Yet we need space and margins on each page of our life. We need financial margins, emotional margins, physical margins and time reserves. Without these it can become hard to read even our own lives. We cannot remain continually maxed out. We need rest, (every 7 days, every 7 years). God is the one who has created us with limits, and if we step outside these limits and use up the margins He has designed for us, we do that at our own peril. 

So when we look at the book of our lives, what kind of pages do we see? What kind of pages do others see? Looking back in my life book, i see some very ugly and messy pages. Sometimes i’d like to just tear out those pages or rewrite them if i could. But we can’t, and it’s all part of a greater story, HIS story. How He can take and transform, and work everything out for good, craeting  an amazing story, of those who have been called according to His purposes (Rom 8:28). 

In our lives there’s many pages to be written yet. Let’s keep the margins of our lives clear, so our lives would remain easy for others (and ourselves) to read, and that God could use the testimonies from the pages of our lives, to share His good news more effectively.

True understanding

If you’ve been following this blog, you’ve probably noticed i haven’t written much over the few months. It’s not that i’ve lacked time or desire to, but because i’ve been in a deep and dark valley, struggling with a number of issues, some deeply personal and some regarding my health. At times like this i tend to become more secluded and less sociable, especially when it seems hard to find true understanding anywhere.

Focusing on projects or entertainment, or even other people’s issues has helped keep my mind off this deepening pain, but it hasn’t helped resolve all that’s amiss. God may be the only one who can truly understand, though He has been mysteriously quiet lately... I keep asking, what is He trying to teach me?

Yet i’ve grown quite weary of all the searching and wrestling, and receiving ‘judgmental advice’ from well (and some not so well) meaning friends, mostly given in the fashion of Job’s good old friends. Precariously few however, have taken time to sit with me for a while, before opening their ‘wise’ mouths...

Yesterday i met with a friend (about 10 years older than me), whom i also had lunch with a few months ago. For some reason i felt comfortable sharing my struggles with him. He listened intently, without saying a word, without a nod of acknowledgment, nor any other sign he might understand. I kept talking and he kept listening, which in some ways was refreshing compared to the way most of my friends interrupt and interject when i speak.

After being quiet for a while, i wondered if he could relate to anything i’ve shared. He replied ‘Yep, I think I can,.. I’ve been there too.’ Suddenly i’m looking at someone who can identify with me and my struggle. He shared no conventional 'words of wisdom’, nor did he patronize or judge me based on his experiences or understanding of scripture. He simply assured me that no matter how dark and lifeless the valley may seem, God is still there and has never left me. Just look for the smallest sign of life, as little as a twitching of a finger.

Words of understanding are often much more powerful than words of wisdom, teaching, and guidance many so eagerly give. Without doubt there is merit to seeking wisdom and guidance as the scripture instructs, but there are times when this does not suffice. There are moments when we need to find true understanding, compassion and grace, where no 'words of wisdom' can help, but to just sit with the hurting without speaking a word.

I think of the phrase ‘A picture is worth a thousand words’. In a similar way our lives are like a picture, a masterpiece of God. All of life’s lighter and darker moments are painted on the canvas of our soul, creating a picture worth much more than a thousand words. And each of our words can add or take away from the beauty of this masterpiece. When you see each life as a divine masterpiece, you begin to understand it’s sometimes better to have few words, for our words do have the power to make or break the picture.

Shortsighted seller

Yesterday i travelled 200km to buy a 2001 Peugeot selling for 600euro. A great deal since it was about half the normal selling price.

Before taking the long bus ride down to Tartu, i talked with the seller named Marko, who kindly advised me of all the defects on the vehicle (a sensor not working and rear suspension issues). He also told me that the vehicle comes with extra snow tires, the inspection is good for three months, and that the balance of the insurance will be transferred to the new owner (all were also noted in the online ad).

Since it seemed like a good buy, i committed to buying the vehicle and asked him to hold it for me until i arrive. He still needed to get authorization to sell the vehicle since it was in the name of his employer.

I arrived at 11:40am, but he was running late expecting to arrive at 12:30 (actually arrived at 13:00). I looked at the car, it was a bit rougher than he had described, although it had no rust the driver’s seat was sacked out, the radio and fan didn’t work and the rear door didn’t open from outside. He also now wanted an extra 100euro for the winter tires, which i declined. Somewhat disappointed that he wasn’t completely upfront with me, but considering the great price i still agreed to buy it.

We arrived at the registration office, where he advised me that the price was plus 20% tax since a business was selling it. Well i argued the advertised price was 600 total, but he rebutted that he told me plus VAT by phone (i understood it was VAT included). He said if i’m not interested he already has many others waiting to buy it (which at the price i can believe). Well, for the extra 120 he pointed out that it still had about half year insurance, more than half a tank of fuel, and valid inspection for 3 months, so i still (somewhat reluctantly) agreed..

We filled out the forms only to discover that the permission given by the company’s director wasn’t formulated correctly. While waiting for the correct permission to arrive, we had a good talk about Estonians and business,  and i shared some of the not so pleasant experiences i’ve had. He agreed that Estonians and business people should become more honest, and not be so shortsighted in their business dealings. He then gave me his business card for future business reference, which i received with a thank-you and smile (thinking this business contact may still be good)

After waiting for what seemed like forever (2-3 hours) he finally had the correct permission to sell it. Upon registration, it became apparent that the inspection was not expiring in October as he stated, but this month! My fault of course for not double checking... I then asked the registration clerk to check the insurance status which she confirmed was valid until April 2013, but i would need to go to the insurance office to transfer it after the vehicle transfer goes through the system..

Well in the 5 minutes it took for me to get to the insurance rep, Hansa Maaler had cancelled the insurance policy leaving me with only valid insurance for the current day! Another deception of the seller, who looked at me and said ‘I hope you’re not disappointed, you still got a good deal!’

‘Typical Estonian behavior’ i responded, thinking this is exactly the shortsightedness i described which causes people to lose trust in Estonians. Apparently feeling uncomfortable about the situation, Marko kept reminding me how good a deal i still got, blaming the transaction indiscrepancies on his employer’s decision.

I still followed through on my agreement to buy the vehicle and drive him close to 30km home afterwards (though for a short moment i felt like leaving him stranded at the registration office). During the drive, he started telling me about his hobby farm venture and gave a sales pitch for his organic products, to which i replied 'i’ll think about it' (though after this vehicle transaction experience, his credibility had dropped quite a few points).

So, would i buy anything from Marko again? I really wouldn’t be inclined to. Would i recommend his company Hansa Maaler to anyone?  Probably not. They may be a great company and offer great products, but they are shortsighted: Regardless how good the deal was, failing to deliver what they promised on this simple transaction, may end up costing them many times more in the long run..

Sadly, i’ve found this behavior to be quite typical in Estonia and in many other places in Eastern Europe. Shortsighted individuals who focus only on short term gain. Be it with business partners, sales people or just simple person to person transactions, these shortsighted sellers don’t seem to realize that in the long run, they only end up shortchanging themselves...