These three words i
attribute to the year ending today. 2012 has certainly not been my
most difficult year i've experienced -i can think of several years
which have been more devastating than this one, but few have come close to being as depressing as the year we are now passing.
Four years ago the
world's economy crumbled, though this is not have the greatest impact
on me. What shook me was personal losses, the passing of my closest
friend-mentor, and the crumbling of some of my most valued
relationships -mostly friends who abused the trust i put in them. It took some time to recover from these losses which were
heart wrenching and difficult, though significant progress and
healing came. I could begin to see many valuable lessons through
the difficulties i had experienced. 2011 seemed to be a watershed year for me,
with great expectations for 2012. I was expecting Job's story -part
II.
Many signs pointed me
towards new opportunities to put my faith and experience into action.
I was confident God had opened these new doors and was developing key
relationships to bring a greater plan into fruition. As i took
courage and stepped out, i suddenly found myself flat on my face. All
the diligent planting of this spring brought just one sprout, which
then dried up into dust. Like a farmer in a parched field, i felt
disillusioned and lost again.
We tend to put on a
brave face during hard times, not wanting anyone to know how much
we're really hurting. This was just another layer of pain, added to
the countless layers i've hidden below it. Yes, there's some hidden
pain in all of us, whether we acknowledge it or not. Sure, we have
different types and levels of pain, and handle our pain differently.
Some deny the pain and become critical of others to make themselves
feel better than others. Others only wallow and complain about their
pain, at times driving the most caring friends away. And some of us
have learned to cleverly disguise the pain through humour and
laughter, countless smiles hiding deep wounds of pain. At least until
our face muscles tire out..
Religious people often
quote scripture and give us instructions on how we should 'appear' to
live, without understanding and addressing the root issues, which in
itself amounts to no more than training of our smiling muscles. We
are expected to conform to an image and standard which we can never
fully attain, so instead we decide to cover up the underlying pain..
since it appears resolution can't be found. And if we can't keep our
smile up we cocoon, remain secluded and distant from others who may
'righteously' or unrighteously judge us.
But what if our pain
could be resolved? And what if it can't? How do we live with it,
honestly acknowledging the fact that it exists, but yielding and
trusting it into God's hands? I'm still in the process of learning
how to do this, and it certainly has been a long and hard process.
It's not that God in His amazing grace isn't willing to accept us as
we are, because He is; but how easily can we accept ourselves with
all the hurt and painful wounds we have? It's often too easy to
listen to the words of those who have helped form our thought
patterns, to see our own failure rather than looking to God's amazing
grace. So often parents, teachers, and pastors repetitively point out our
failures and impose unreachable standards, but God doesn't do this.
He doesn't deny the fact that our pain and failure is very much there, but He reaches his hand to lift us up, not to put us down. He asks that we simply trust
and acknowledge Him.
So, have i learned how to
trust God fully?.. No. This year of 2012 was filled with evidence of
this. Many unexpected setbacks and criticism of others caused me to cocoon, draw into
myself, and lean on my own misguided understanding of who i am or have become.
This only causes one to dive into a deeper depression. Trying to find resolution in my mind only caused me to sink in deeper. Proverbs 3:5 encourages us not to lean on our own understanding, but to acknowledge Him in
all we do. For we are His creation, His masterpiece, His children,
and He does care for us, regardless of how hurt or depressed
we may feel at times. We need not sink further or feel so down.
I pray as we step into
the new year 2013, we would learn to trust God more than our own understanding, and find strength to grasp His hand and rediscover in Him the freedom to live through and above our so misunderstood pain.
Wishing everyone a
blessed and uplifted New Year!
and as always, the story will be continued..
