I never did like practicing piano, and whenever i did i wandered off in playing my own small creations. Every week, jsut 2 hours before piano lessons i franticly practiced the music i had neglected during the week, only to have the teacher blast me for not practicing. There wasn't much positive affirmation from my parents either, often being re-blasted my mom. I had enough of it, so i gave up the piano at the age of 17.
My sister inherited our family piano which i seemingly had no interest in. Yet in my early 20's something began to draw me to it again. Whenever i found a piano, i looked for private opportunities to quietly play. There was a kind of theraputic effect in having my fingers flow across the keyboard. I would almost never play to audience, somehow i felt my talent was never good enough to share.
Life draws us to do things, sometimes strange things. Maybe i should say it is actually love which draws us. My longing to play the piano grew exponentially when i fell in love, and the music in me took on life of it's own. The piano would draw me for hours, my fingers flowing effortlessly along the keyboard as the sound resonanted with my heart. It was as if the music of my heart and the piano melted into one.
Something happened when my aspirations for love were thwarted. My focus changed. Suddenly substitutes replaced what truly moved my heart. Things and accomplishments became more important in finding my value and purpose. People often find substitutes for true love. Often it's work and carreers, sometimes material things or fleeting pleasures, often it's new relationships that are not based on true love. We quickly make pragmatic and emotional decisions to fill the painful void. When i look back at how things changed, what i notice the most is how the music died. Hope faded as if i was seeking something unattainable, irreplaceable and elusive. And the deep longing a famous U2 song voices so well: 'I still haven't found what i'm looking for...'
But what do you do when you've found what you're looking for and loose it? Maybe it was due to foolish mistakes, maybe due to a lack of recognition. There cannot be a more hollower feeling. Yet so many people experience this. Is there anything that can replace a lost love? Is there anything that can bring back the music again? Anything that can fill the deep void?
I believe there are two main voids in most people's lives. One can be filled only by God, the other by one special person. Yet we create substitutes for both. We fill the God shaped void with things, activities or people, just as we fill the person shaped void with people or activities that just don't fit. Yet the void remains, and cries to be filled.
There's an order to these voids. Filling these voids in our own way and understanding can never satisfy. The biggest void need to be filled first. That means getting things right with our Creator. The God void must be filled first. Only then can we gain the perspective and insight to fill that special person void. True love is not a decision a made consciously or subconsciously, it is a gift from above. And this gift can be only given by God when we have things right with Him. Otherwise our vision becomes skewed and we cannot make right judgements or decisions. And the biggest tragedy would be our attempt to fill our God void with a person. No human being can ever fill such a hole.
So where does the music begin again? It's when we begin to find what we're looking for. It's where our longing is being filled. It's where true love is created, first towards our Creator, then towards one special person. Have i found what i'm looking for? The answer is both yes and no. But the music has begun to live again, the more i focus on my God and Creator.
No comments:
Post a Comment